But, in spite of everything it has going for it, Pirate Master ends up missing the mark by a wide margin. I really want to like the show, and I’m sticking with it every week, hoping it will get better, but my hope is waning. It’s just boring for long stretches, or remarkably lame in others, or just…there most of the time. Nothing remarkable, nothing to hate exactly, but not a lot to love. The TV equivalent of oatmeal.

So where does the problem lie? Maybe it’s because the challenges are a far cry from Survivor’s. I mean, every challenge we’ve seen so far basically boils down to running through the jungle in a straight line, then going underwater to look for something. Compared to the challenges on Survivor, which somehow manage to stay brilliant and original after fourteen goes, this “hunting for treasure” really blows. Especially if they don’t switch it up a little. Or maybe it’s because of the incredibly lame backstory of Henry Steel the pirate, and the goddamned Chest of Zanzibar that they have to magically open at the beginning of each show. Or maybe it’s the contestants themselves, because even though we’ve established that there are two or three good characters out there, none of them seem to be worth a damn at strategizing. On Big Brother, on Survivor, hell even on The Amazing Race we see people plotting and making alliances. These folks just sit around being bitter but not acting on it (Louie) or staring at each other with a blank stare (everyone else). Jay’s the only one that seems to be playing, but he’s not very good at it. It’s only being dropped in the middle of this group that makes him look like a genius.

A lot of it, I guess, has to be blamed on the editing. There was a lot of crappy editing on The Apprentice this year, too, so maybe it’s getting endemic over at Mark Burnett Productions. There is stuff on this show that could be exciting, but it’s not because of the way it’s edited. There are segments that could be epic and beautiful, but turn out lame because of the editing. We could be shown footage of people scheming, or strategizing, or even just deciding who to vote out, but that’s all left on the cutting room floor. The people didn’t mutiny again Joe Don, but we weren’t shown why. The people voted Christian Okoye out, but we weren’t shown why. Even this week, Sean took Jay’s bribe to vote one way, and then backstabbed him by voting another way. But because of the editing it was easy to miss. It wasn’t a big deal like it would have been on Survivor. So the show alternates between boring and confusing, but hardly ever reaches the level known as “entertaining”. And it’s tough to triage exactly why that’s happening, but already people are starting to tune out, and already the ratings are slipping, and I think this show is dead in the water already.

Easily the most entertaining part of this whole episode was the way Azmyth went mucho loco as soon as he put on the captain’s hat. Although, where Joe Don went ass-crazy with power and started bullying everyone under his command, Azmyth got a much more mild case of the wacky jackies and developed a super-fake English accent that kind of came and went throughout the whole episode. I mean, I’m trying to comprehend the thought process there, but it’s like once he put on that hat he thought he was the captain of the Ren Faire or something. The quote of the night actually has to go to Louie, for perfectly wording the exact thing I was thinking: “I think there’s some kind of dope in that cap, that goes straight into your brain as soon as you put it on your head.”

I also noticed that Azmyth dropped his accent after Cameron the host called him out on it. Come on. If you’re going to be ridiculous, at least be stubbornly ridiculous. He didn’t waver earlier in the episode when his own officers mocked him. “We don’t have to get accents too, do we?” asked Jay, in the second best line of the episode.

So we’ve got a whole summer of ennui on the high seas ahead of us. I’ll still be tuning in to every episode, hoping that it gets better, but sometimes you can tell that it’s too far gone. Damnit. I had such high hopes.

This schedule means that Pirate Master will be booted out of the prime Thursday at 8 slot to make way for Big Brother’s eviction night. It will air July 5th at 9 for one time only, following the Big Brother premiere. But CSI’s ratings are just too high for Pirate Master to stay in that time slot, so the following week the merry crew of the Picton Castle will instead be finding a new berth Tuesdays at 10, right after the weekly Big Brother veto episode.

And if three nights a week isn’t enough to satisfy your Big Brother appetite, tune in to the “Showtime Too” network (which I never heard of either) every night at 9pm Pacific / midnight Eastern for three straight hours of live feeds, broadcast live from the house with no editing. Of course if you’re that much of a Big Brother addict, you’ll be subscribed to the live feeds anyway, but this way the feeds will be piped straight into your TV and you won’t have to pull out your hair screwing around with Real Player. Plus you’ll get them in full broadcast quality.

There are only supposed to be 12 houseguests this time, but I remember them telling us that before. Maybe this year the big twist will be that there really are only 12! And, behind the scenes, producer Arnold Shapiro has stepped away from the show, leaving partner Alison Groder in charge of the whole thing. No idea yet if this means anything creatively for the show, like for example the “twists” getting less lame. I guess we’ll have to wait and find out.

And, of course, the cast won’t be announced until all the people have actually moved inside the house, which they normally do 5-7 days before the first episode airs. So look at the CBS website at the end of the month to see the latest group of idiots we’re going to have to put up with.

The Amazing Race is of course the news I’m looking at here. The All-Stars season didn’t completely kill the show, but it didn’t do it any favors either. The Amazing Race has been renewed, so it will be coming back for a 12th season, but for the first time in years it’s not on the fall schedule. Instead it’s being held back for the dreaded “midseason”, which could mean that CBS is losing faith in our little Race. Or it could mean that they’re just holding it back until the inevitable happens and one of the new fall shows gets cancelled, then they’re be able to drop TAR right into the waiting slot. Whatever. At least it’s coming back, but not in September.

How I Met Your Mother is back. It was kind of a close call, since that was a bubble show right until the last minute. It’s the best laugh-track sitcom out there, though, so it’s good to see they’re keeping it around.

Jericho and The Class are cancelled. We stopped watching Jericho long ago, but my wife will be sad to hear about The Class.

And of course Survivor is back, this time at a lake in China.

Out of the new shows, only Moonlight stands out. A vampire private investigator? Hmmm, that sounds familiar for some reason. It might be worth a look. But Jimmy Smits as a sugar cane patriarch? Kids forming a new society in a New Mexico ghost town? The swinging 70s? I’m thinking I’ll take a pass.

I’m also thinking The Amazing Race will be back sooner than we think.