On The Air

The teams hop around Chile, pestering people in suits and performing unsafe dump truck maintenance. But a wayward speed limit sign and about fifty health problems signal the end for Kevin and Drew. Read it all.

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recaplet
TV Guide review
TV Squad review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams of various levels of “Star”dom gathered in Miami for a second race around the world. Or a quick jaunt to Sequesterville, as the case may be. After a lot of driving, and driving, and a little more driving, and then an actual task that must have slipped in there accidentally, some teams were looking good (Oswald and Danny) while others were looking disappointingly crappy (Kevin and Drew). But in the end it was John Vito and Jill that took the long road to Yanahurco and were eliminated.

Previously, not on The Amazing Race but on its web site: If you’ve never looked at The Amazing Race web site, it’s a little overwhelming. They have so many extra videos there it’s crazy, hours and hours of extra footage that they’ve put online, so much that it scared me away a couple of years ago. But one online feature that’s new this year is the Elimination Station, which has footage each week from inside what they’re calling the “Elimination Villa”. This is what you and I know as Sequesterville, the fabled place where eliminated teams go to wait out the duration of the Race. And up until now we’ve never seen Sequesterville, only heard about it from former racers who got a little chatty. But this season they’ve opened the doors to Sequesterville to us, the general public, and are giving us a peek inside to see what life is like for the eliminated teams. It’s basically a lot of sitting around the pool, like you’d expect. Take a look.

Currently on The Amazing Race: We see straight off that things already aren’t going well for Drew. Not only did he fall and “dislocate” his shoulder last week, he also succumbed to the high altitude (the Pit Stop was at about 10,000 feet, making it the two-mile-high city) and had to be hooked up to an oxygen tank. Not a great start. He’s the only one having trouble, though, it seems, as everyone else is fresh and rested and ready to depart the next morning. They get clues to travel to Santiago, Chile, and they’re off. We find out that Rob and Amber were only in the lead by ten minutes last week. It probably would have been more if they didn’t dick around in that field looking for a button. A lot of the other teams are all bunched together in the middle, and leave in rapid fire. Teri and Ian, Eric and Danielle, Joe and Bill, Beauty Queens, Uchenna and Joyce. All within 20 minutes of each other. Joe and Bill seem awful proud of their ability to four-wheel through the mud, and ask, “Who says gay men can’t drive?” Um, nobody. Nobody says that, ever. They have matching hats that say “Team Guido,” though, so they’re forgiven. For now.

Mirna says, “Oh, it might be chilly in Chile.” Isn’t she eliminated yet? And we also find out that they’ve allied themselves with David and Mary. Quite a brain trust, there; I didn’t think they could find a worse alliance than one with the Chos. It pays off for Charla and Mirna, though, because they get their car stuck in the mud almost immediately, like practically in the parking lot, and need David to tow them out.

And here are Kevin and Drew. To say they’re bringing up the rear would be a mild understatement. They’re a full hour behind David and Mary, apparently because they got a penalty for destroying their car last week. So things can only get worse from here. In fact, they get stuck in the same mud puddle that bogged down Charla and Mirna, and this time there’s no one around to tow them out. So what do they do? Of course, they hook Kevin up to the tow rope. Kevin, a man, trying to pull an SUV out of the mud with nothing more than his legs, really. I can think of about fifteen different ways that this can go wrong.

And, oh, here’s one right here! The Kevin-tow amazingly works, and the SUV pulls free of the mud. But then Drew, in the driver’s seat, forgets that Kevin is still tied to the car and tries to keep driving. Like, there’s another puddle in front of him, and he wants to keep going, so he steps on the gas. And Kevin, of course, has the tow rope looped around his waist so he’s about two seconds away from getting dragged through the mud. Fortunately, for a big guy he’s quick on his feet, so he manages not to get run over long enough for Drew’s oxygen-deprived brain to start working again and put on the brakes. I’m sure the word “idiot” was tossed around a lot during the drive after that, but we don’t get to see it.

What we get to see instead is Rob and Amber in the lead (like usual) and getting a better flight than anyone else (like usual). What they’re not counting on, though, is Oswald and Danny to be right behind them, which they are, and on the same connecting flight. So instead of having a lead over everyone, like Rob thought he did, he’s only got a lead over most of the teams, and he’s not too happy. But then, he’s even less happy when his flight, the better flight, is delayed, and he misses a connection. And, this time, the plane doesn’t come back to the gate, so he actually ends up on the last flight into Chile. You know, it’s nice to see this kind of thing happen to Rob, but it sucks that it had to happen to Oswald and Danny too.

Meanwhile, all the other teams are crowded onto the same plane, trying to stuff their bags into the overhead compartments. Kentucky Dave opts to put his stuff in the first-class compartments, figuring there will be more room there and it will be easier to grab them and get off the plane. Drew, though, thinks he’s the airplane police or something, and starts grabbing Dave’s bags and chucking them on the floor. “Not first class, not first class,” he says in this creaky monotone voice as he’s doing it. He’s actually called the stewardess over to back him up. Now that right there is a dick move. Especially at the beginning of the leg, especially when you know you’ve got one more connecting flight after this. So Dave isn’t getting any advantage from putting his bag up there. And taking the bag down doesn’t slow him down any, or level out the playing field. It just serves to, I don’t know, be some kind of hall monitor, or a cranky old man. And it serves to piss off the other teams, which is never a good move unless you’re Rob and you’re doing it as some kind of strategy. Drew’s just doing it because his shoulder hurts and his brain isn’t getting enough oxygen, and it really doesn’t make him look good.

Everyone eventually shows up at the Codelco headquarters building for the Roadblock. This Roadblock actually turns out to be a mind puzzle, something that’s been sorely lacking in the race recently. The team members have to go into the Boardroom, where actors in suits are gathered around pretending to talk to each other. It’s three in the morning, so I hope they’re getting paid time-and-a-half for this. But all over the conference table, and the suits themselves, are letters, and the Racers have to find all the letters, unscramble them, and match them up to one of the locations that are shown on the pictures on the wall. If they pick the right picture, they get their clue. Kind of a neat little puzzle; why can’t the Race have of more of this?

Some people actually catch on pretty quickly, and it’s Dustin (!!) who first makes the leap to connect the letters to the pictures. So the Beauty Queens get their clue and jet out of there. Other people figure out the pictures are involved, but they haven’t found all the letters so they just can’t get it right. And others still are just completely lost, wandering in circles around and around the room. I’d totally be in that last category. Mary figures it out surprisingly fast, too, but makes the mistake of saying the answer out loud within earshot of Kevin. So Kevin runs back and figures it out within seconds. And Dave actually gets pissed at him for “eavesdropping”! Dude, it’s not his fault. Try telling your wife that it is possible to read without moving her lips. Joyce, who was the first one there, finally figures it out, after nearly everyone else has left. But poor Ian is so confused that Joyce basically has to give him the answer. Even down to spelling it out for him so he can write it on his paper. I don’t think he ever even understood what the puzzle was, or how she got the answer. He’s just lucky she’s nice.

Not that the Roadblock had any meaning, because everyone just heads right back to the airport, and everyone’s on the same plane together again. So it’s an airport bunching that wipes out any lead you might have gotten by figuring out the puzzle. Oh well, at least the Race planners are trying.

So everyone ends up in a cab race to the Chuquicamata mine, where they find this week’s Detour. The choices are to install and tighten about 40 lug nuts on a dump truck’s tire (the obviously slow choice), or to drive a backhoe (which Phil erroneously calls a front loader) and move some dirt around. Most people decide to do the lug nuts, which seems idiotic because it’s obviously a slower task. Kevin and Drew even switch to doing the nuts because Kevin can’t drive a stick shift. Which, backhoes don’t have sticks, so there’s another dumb reason. Although, when I freeze-framed a picture of the clue, it was really fuzzy but it looked like it said there were only two backhoes available, and they were first-come, first-served. So in that light, choosing the lug nuts makes a little more sense, because you don’t know how long you’ll be waiting around for a tractor. It’s probably worth your time to wander over and see if one is free, though, which none of the teams do. Rob and Amber and the Guidos are the only ones who pick the tractor, although the Guidos run into a little trouble when they miss the part of the clue that says they both have to dump at least one load of dirt.

Some of the lug nut teams finish pretty quickly. A couple of them even finish before the Guidos are done putzing around with the tractor (you can tell Joe and Bill are not born backhoe operators). Uchenna and Joyce in particular kick ass, moving up from ninth place to third. But most of the teams are having a lot of trouble. Either with the bolts not threading correctly, or with the washers being on crooked or backwards, or just with the fact that there are forty of the goddamn things and that’s going to take a long time no matter who you are. Charla has to go get a stepstool, because even the lowest of the bolts are above her head. But of course it’s Mirna who has to drag the stool back to the truck (why? dunno) and there is much yelling. And then Mirna (the tall one) ends up on Charla’s (the short one) shoulders, on the stool, tightening bolts. These two just find the most unproductive way to do anything and everything they’re involved in. But it’s David and Mary who put half of their washers on wrong and have to redo them, so we go to commercial with them in last place.

Rob and Amber are in first place (of course) and on their way to the Pit Stop. But to get to the Pit Stop you have to drive through the Valley of the Moon, where the roads are so bad the speed limit is 40 kilometers per hour. The clue makes a big deal out of this speed limit, and the guys who are operating the gates to the Valley of the Moon make a big deal out of the speed limit, so everyone knows it’s a big deal. What cracks me up is that the gates to the Valley of the Moon are just a couple of wooden sawhorses, which is one of the most pointless things I’ve ever seen. Why bother, you know?

On the drive to the Valley of the Moon, Mirna starts up with her shit again. It seems she has hired a taxi driver to lead them there, and paid him “all the money I have.” It’s so dramatic, she’d probably flounce to the floor if she could while she’s saying this. And the Beauty Queens are following them, which is just a cardinal sin to Mirna. She paid him all the money she has, you know? You can’t just follow! That’s…cheating, or something. So then the taxi driver pulls over, and he seems lost. Now, they’re in the middle of the desert and there’s only one road going ahead of them in a straight line, so I don’t know how lost you can get. Maybe all her money was only enough to get them this far. So the whole caravan pulls over, and the Beauty Queens go up to ask the driver for directions. What they’re trying to do here isn’t too unreasonable. The guy stopped, for reasons unclear, so why not just ask him where to go instead of having to follow him all the way there? And then they can maybe work together instead of both getting lost in the desert.

It’s asking a little too much to expect Mirna to be reasonable, though: “Are you willing to split the fee since you’re following us?” No, she’s offering to reduce your fee by making it so you don’t need the cab driver at all. Mirna’s not getting it (of course). “Okay, you guys can just go, and we’ll sit here and hang out for a while.” Sooooo, a team is offering to help you, and rather than accept their help, you’ll just let them go on ahead of you? Get in front of you? As some kind of passive-aggressive punishment for some imagined slight? You know, I don’t really like the Beauty Queens, but Mirna has this magical ability to make everyone she’s around look better, so Dustin and Kandice are looking pretty good right now. All they want is for the cabbie to draw a map, so that way nobody will have to pay them. But Mirna isn’t getting it, then Charla starts telling them to decide, and Mirna finally breaks down and whines, “He’s not going to draw a map for you.” Like she’s the driver’s boss now. So Dustin and Kandice just decide to cut this shit out before it gets any worse, and take Mirna up on her offer to go on ahead while she waits by the side of the road. They drive off, leaving Mirna to still argue with the cab driver.

Then, unbelievably, things get worse. The driver still has no idea what they’re talking about, or he wants more money than they have, or something. I don’t even know. But when you think the way to talk in foreign countries is to put an O at the end of every word and speak with a Russian accent, there’s going to be a language barrier. Finally Mirna just goes to the car and grabs her purse, shrieking all the way, and shoves it into the cabbie’s arms. “Take our money. Take it all.” Then Charla joins in. “Just take it, honey. Just take it, we go.” The driver just stares at them with this look on his face, like he’s on Candid Camera or something, like he can’t figure out how the hell he got stuck with these two. Now Mirna’s giving him twenty dollars, just screaming in this horrible accent about how she isn’t going to eat tomorrow. I don’t even know what’s going on. I’m watching it, and I have no idea what is happening on the screen. This is horrible.

And, during all that, David and Mary have time to catch up, so Charla and Mirna are now in last place. And they’re pissed when they get back in the car, with Charla going off and giving this whole big speech about how beauty is only skin deep, and having a pure heart and morals can’t be faked, and I’m not sure who she’s talking about when she talks about a pure heart, because it’s certainly not her and Mirna. Those two have shiny black hearts, like tiny lumps of coal, that only beat once per century.

The other teams, the ones that didn’t have this whole drama queen histrionic bitch fest, are making their way through the Valley of the Moon and out the other side. And on the other side the speed limit jumps back up to 50 kilometers per hour. And there’s a sign by the side of the road letting us know this. If you missed the sign the first time, don’t worry. You’ll be seeing it again. Rob and Amber are the first at the Pit Stop (of course), and Oswald and Danny are close behind. I’m telling you, these two are almost racing better this time than they did last time. They seem to just effortlessly glide into the head of the pack, and if it wasn’t for Rob and Amber being their frustrating selves they would have been in first place two legs in a row. So don’t count Oswald and Danny out. I can see them finishing in the top three this time.

As the other teams exit the Valley of the Moon, they all speed up to 50kph, just like they’re supposed to. Team Guido checks in in third place, and they give Phil a hug. “Come on, the girls get to do it.” Indeed.

Kevin and Drew are exiting the Valley of the Moon, but they miss the 50kph sign, so they keep driving 40kph. Pretty stupid mistake on their part, especially since they’re still in 7th place and there’s a whole caravan behind them. So, one by one, all the people behind them speed up and pass them. And each time one passes them, Drew gets all indignant and starts yelling. Because, you know, they must be speeding. So he’s getting worked up, and yelling out the window, “40 kilometers!” “Speeding!” And each time he yells, the editors show a clip of the 50kph sign. Just to hammer home the point of how stupid Drew is being. Which is a pretty clunky editing choice, too. So now we’ve got Kevin and Drew, who I used to love, and the Amazing Editors, who used to be so subtle, both making incredibly stupid mistakes, and it’s so disheartening that I just have to check out for a while.

Then things get worse. Kevin and Drew are, of course, the last ones to the Pit Stop, which is not a surprise because they’re still driving slower than everyone else. But Drew just kind of wanders up to the mat like a mental patient, like he just escaped without his meds or something. Phil starts in on his whole speech, “Kevin and Drew, you are the last team to arrive.” Drew kind of mutters, “that’s all right,” and then he walks off. Just turns his back on Phil and Kevin and the greeter and everybody and walks away. Phil’s like, whoa there buddy. Gotta come back. So Drew shuffles back up to the mat, and Phil tells them they’ve been eliminated. “Yeah, all right, that’s fine,” says Drew, and he walks off again. He walks all the way back down the hill and down to the car, and for a while you think he’s just going to get in and drive back home, but it turns out he just wants to get his hat. “Let me put my hat on.” He’s like a 90-year-old man here, lost and confused. It’s not even funny, it’s sad, and kind of infuriating. You’re supposed to be better than this! I get the killer fatigue, and the hurt shoulder, and the altitude sickness, and the dehydration and the heat and whatever else the hell is going on. But being a class act means that through it all you never forget to be polite, and turning your back on Phil? Turning your back on your teammate and best friend? Low class, man.

So they’re giving their exit interviews, and Drew is just kind of staring into space, with this croaky voice, and when you look into his eyes it’s like he’s not even there. Like he’s a stroke patient, or something. It’s so disappointing, after waiting for five years for there to be an All-Stars season so these guys could come back, to see them suck this hard and be shells of their former selves. It wasn’t their racing ability that made them All-Stars, it was their personality, it was the life and the humor they brought to the Race. And all that was gone this time around, just gone. I’m starting to think it might have been better if they didn’t come on the Race at all, just stayed home and let us keep our memories of them instead of going out in such a pitiful manner.

Next week? More crap from Mirna. God.