On The Air

The All-Star season kicks off, but not so much with a bang. More like with a pop. Or that sound you get when you let the air out of a balloon. Read it all.

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recaplet
TV Guide review
TV Squad review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten seasons’ worth of Americans running around the world, screaming at people who don’t speak English. Or in the case of Season 8, people who did speak English but pretended not to just so the loud people would go away. Six continents, probably half a million miles (Phil’s saving his frequent flier points for a trip to Mars), and it’s all been building to this.

Currently on The Amazing Race: shrieking strings bring us in across the water and to the top of a tall, tall building, where we’re greeted by none other than Phil, eager to inform us that this is the “first ever” All-Star edition of The Amazing Race. And being brought across the water in speedboats, and being led for some reason by a water-skiing pyramid, are the eleven teams that we all know and love.

Kevin and Drew, my favorite team ever, from the first season. The moment that Drew jumped into that gorge and Kevin shouted, “Swing, you fat bastard” was the moment the Amazing Race really started for me. Unfortunately, I think the game has left our fat boys behind. Drew, in particular, looks like grim death, like a reanimated corpse. I hate to say it, but I don’t think they’ll be seeing fourth place this time around.

Rob and Amber, not much to say. You love ’em or you hate ’em, and this show isn’t going to change your mind.

Uchenna and Joyce, winners of Season 7.

Dustin and Kandice, fresh from Season 10. Didn’t I just see them? It seems like just yesterday they were leaving my TV screen, and now they’re back.

Joe and Bill, Team Guido. Hey, good to see they got back from Alaska! Probably my second favorite team ever. And still rocking the matching vests, I see.

Charla and Mirna, also called Mirna and Schmirna. Which doesn’t make much sense, because Mirna is the tall one, and by far the more objectionable of the two. So shouldn’t it be Charla and Schmirna? Doesn’t rhyme, I guess. Whatever. Didn’t like ’em.

David and Mary. So it’s not so much “All Stars” as it is “Teams That Were Mildly Popular Online When The Season Was Being Cast”. It’s a good thing she likes gay people, because there are plenty of them to go around this year.

Teri and Ian, from Season Three. In a season that included Flo it was hard to make an impression, but they did. Mostly for yelling, but also party for his Foreign Legion hat. Which I see has also made a return to the race. So, yay?

Oswald and Danny, who look fabulous as ever. You know, Season 2 has mostly been forgotten, but it really was a lot of fun. And a big part of that was because of these two right here. Hopefully there’s more shopping in their future. Although I still don’t know which one is Oswald and which one is Danny.

John Vito and Jill, from Season 3. I know there’s a ton of love for them online, but I never really felt it. Jill does seem cuter this time, though.

Eric and Danielle, from Season 9. Kind of a cheat, really, to cobble together a new team from two different teams, especially when the two teams weren’t very memorable to begin with. Eric and Jeremy have been completely wiped clean and replaced in my memory by Tyler and James, because they were basically the same exact team. And Danielle is a big blank to me. Even when I’m looking right at her face. So this team is kind of a big gaping void in the Race, for about thirteen different reasons.

Aaaaand here we are at the starting line. Phil gives his normal spiel. First clue, yak yak, one million dollars, yak yak, travel safe. Mary is wearing a shirt with the Cho Brothers on it. Seriously? The shirt says they’re missing. I believe it. They probably had to stop and ask for directions six times on the way to the mailbox. Then Phil gives the signal, and they’re off! They get the first clue, which tells them to travel to Ecuador. A few people seem surprised about this, like they weren’t expecting this race around the world to actually go, you know, around the world. Everyone runs to the marked cars, except for Drew. Drew seems to be out for a Sunday stroll, and Charla actually beats him to the car. Yeah, not looking too good for him.

Much excitement in the cars brings us to the credits. And I’m happy to say they’re returned the credits to their normal length, after that whole screwed-up “extended version” we had to live with last season. God, that was awful. And there’s still no tiger in the credits. For the first seven seasons there was an angry tiger in the credits for a split second, but he’s been missing for a long time now. This year they’re making it up to us, though, by including a little “clink” as the Guidos tap their wine glasses together. Awesome. Thanks, Credits Guys!

Clink!

Back in the cars, there is much shuffling on the way to the airport. Everyone keeps passing everyone else, and we get our first “Hoo-rah” from Ian and our first “I’m an idiot” from Drew. So nothing much has changed there. What also hasn’t changed is that this first mad dash is largely meaningless, since there are only two flights out of the airport anyway. And getting on the best flight isn’t so much a matter of getting there first, as much as it is picking the right airline to go to. Some teams pick right the first time, like Rob and Amber, based mostly on the fact that the first flight out is the last to arrive, and this is a trick the Race pulls often. Other teams are taken in by the ruse, and head to get on the first flight out of town. Notable in this group are David and Mary, who are just so excited to be first in line that they actually buy tickets before checking on the arrival times. Oy. The Guidos are taken in too, along with Teri and Ian. I guess things were simpler back in their day. Everyone runs over to the other counter, and Teri and Ian make it on the faster flight. But it’s too late for the other teams, so they’re on the slower flight.

Not that it really matters, because come on. This is The Amazing Race. Do you think there’s going to be bunching? Of course there’s going to be bunching. And indeed, there is bunching. All the teams race out of the airport in Ecuador and to a local restaurant, where they have to pick one of three departure times for the next morning. Seriously, this has been done before. This has been done in almost every season on the first leg, so all this scurrying around and fighting and stress gets you, at the most, a half-hour head start in the morning. And a half-hour can make a big difference, but it’s not worth killing yourself over.

It’s not worth pissing off the locals, either, but for Charla and Mirna, pissing off the locals is in their blood. So on the taxi ride over to the restaurant, the two of them are in the back seat shouting at their poor driver. “Rapido! Mas rapido! This is too little with rapido.” God, it’s 20 minutes in, and I’m already sick of Mirna. “This is too little with rapido“? Really? Is that a joke? Is she doing that for the cameras? Sadly, I think she is not. And little does she know that the cameras are the only thing keeping her ass from getting dumped off in a ditch somewhere in Ecuador. Seriously.

In contrast to that little display, we see Ian getting in his cab and kind of half-heartedly saying, “Rapido, rapido,” while chuckling to himself. See? He knows it’s a joke. And Oswald and Danny are just cool and calm in their cab, with not a “rapido” in sight. And they get out of the airport first, and stay in first place for a good long while, but in the end Rob and Amber find a shortcut and beat them there. Get used to these two teams being in front; it’s going to happen a lot.

So before they can go to the restaurant, teams have to make a short stop at a plaza to grab a clue. And for most teams, it’s just a quick hop out and back in. But not everyone can make it that simple. Kevin and Drew show up at the plaza (in last place - god, guys, keep up), and Drew immediately trips over the curb or something and goes down. Goes down hard. He claims to have dislocated his shoulder, but the way he’s carrying on you’d think his whole arm fell off. This is not a good showing. It’s almost embarrassing, how out of shape this guy is. Five minutes later the shoulder is better, and he’s got a little scrape on his knee, but nothing bad. Who would have pegged Drew to be a drama queen about getting hurt?

Once at the restaurant, everyone gets to sleep out on the patio in cots that have been set up for them. Now, I’m glad to see it’s not a hotel room or something, but cots? On a covered patio? Isn’t this supposed to be All-Stars? Remember when teams would have to camp out in tents, or even just lay down in the gutter and catch a few winks? Now we’re getting cots and patios and a hillside view of the city. This is a little too pampered for my tastes.

The next morning, everyone gets instructions to head to Cotopaxi National Park, about 65 miles away. Phil tells us that they’re supposed to use the north entrance to the park, which right away tells us that some folks are going to be going the wrong way. Otherwise, why bring it up? And they’ve been given their own cars to drive, which is nice to see in a show that’s increasingly become The Amazing Taxi Ride. There is much jockeying during the ride, and we’ve got the usual navigation tricks. Some people hire taxis to guide them, some people find locals to lead the way, and Charla and Mirna actually kidnap one poor fellow and make him ride in the back seat. Mirna’s nice enough to point out that they’re not “afraid of” the locals, which, how sweet of you not to be afraid of people. Of course, you’re racing against Oswald and Danny, who are the ones who invented the idea of bringing a local along for the ride, so you’re a little out of your league.

Charla and Mirna’s local is named Juan, and he doesn’t seem to be very much help because he actually gets them lost, taking them to the south entrance of the park. They decide it’s too far to drive back, and figure the south entrance is worth a shot. Then they basically dump Juan off by the side of the road and take off. I really hope he wanted to be let out there, because they just kind of abandon him in the middle of nowhere.

John Vito and Jill are also having trouble with some guy in a red car that’s led them completely in the wrong direction, and they too end up at the south entrance. And Kevin and Drew seem to go in the wrong direction all by themselves.

The rest of the teams, on the other hand, have found the north entrance and gotten to the detour. This first detour is a choice between wrangling and grooming a wild horse, or searching for pieces to a military costume in a huge field. This is a no-brainer, especially since one of the pieces you have to find is a tiny brass button. Amazingly, Rob and Amber, who are the first team to arrive, spend some time dicking around in the field before they end up switching to the horse. That’s just mind-blowing. They do have a reason that makes sense, in that any task involving animals is going to be hard, but the needle-in-a-haystack tasks come in even lower on the pole. I would have been out of there as soon as I saw that a button was involved.

Oswald and Danny, meanwhile, are getting a lot of great moments from four-wheeling through the mud and acting butch, and they arrive at the Detour second. They choose wrangling, saying it’s like a crash course in cosmetology: if you can give a manicure to a horse, you can give a manicure to anyone. Sound logic, I guess. They check in at the mat in second place, close behind Rob and Amber. I’m telling you, these two are a team to watch. Don’t hate them because they’re fabulous.

The rest of the north entrance teams pile into the park, do the horse task, and check themselves in pretty uneventfully. So soon we’re left with Charla and Mirna and John Vito and Jill, who we know took the south entrance, and Kevin and Drew and David and Mary, who both somehow end up behind Charla and Mirna, even though we never saw which gate they went in. There’s a little classic banter between Kevin and Drew (”Peru is nice. It’s beautiful out.” “I’m sure it’s nice in Peru. We’re in Ecuador.”), but they’re just really not racing well at all. And then, what do you know? They get a flat tire! In the middle of nowhere, on a rocky dirt road, they’ve got a flat. So they do something that normally would be colossally stupid, but in their situation might be the best thing they can do: they just decide to keep driving. On the flat tire. That goes about as well as you’d expect, with the tire gradually being shredded until they’re only driving on the rim. But they’re not driving real fast anyway, so I guess it doesn’t slow them down much. Not as much as having to change the flat out there in the dirt would have. Drew’s not in the mood to change a tire anyway, and the way he says it, “I’m not changin’ a tire…I hope we can make it…” it sounds like a record running at a really slow speed. Like his energy is just gone. It’s the second day of the race, and already you can tell Drew needs a nice long nap. I don’t see this ending well for them.

David and Mary and Charla and Mirna make it to the Detour, finish, and check in. So now we’re down to two teams left, one with a flat tire. The music gets suspenseful, and we see a car plowing through the river, and there’s a team, and its…Kevin and Drew. Damn, guys. Way to get lucky. Way to let other people’s screw ups keep you in the race one more week. The two of them check in as team #10, and they don’t seem to happy to hear it. Like they’re not even excited to still be in the race. God, what a poor showing. I’d like to say I want to see them get their second wind next week, but in order to have a second wind you have to have had a first wind. These guys were dragging right off the starting line, and it’s gotta catch up to them eventually.

So the sad music brings us to John Vito and Jill, the last team to arrive and the first team eliminated. Can’t say that I’m upset to see them go. They seem like nice people, I just can’t seem to get worked up about them. And now I don’t have to, because they’re gone.

So that’s the All-Star season. Drab, formulaic, and I gotta say kind of disappointing. This is supposed to be the best season ever, and this is the start they give us? It better improve from here. Damn.

Next week: Everyone is focused on beating Rob and Amber. Yeah, because that’s worked so well in the past.