On The Air

Only half the candidates compete this week, and they have to run bus tours of Hollywood. It’s all moot, though, because at the end Michelle realizes she’s too good for this show and walks out.

Episode links:
Jacob’s recap
TV Guide review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

Previously on The Apprentice: While Donald Trump was busy having his brains scrambled by Carey’s pink paisley gay bathing suit, the rest of Team Arrow was hard at work trying to paint Michelle as a crazy person who was actively standing in the way of any kind of work getting done on the task. At the time it seemed like scapegoating, because she was only on screen for a few minutes. But these previouslies are all about Michelle, so maybe her story will be continuing tonight.

The previouslies segue into the rest of Team Arrow hanging around in the backyard in night vision, hoping that “Johnny” gets fired. And who exactly is Johnny? Why, it’s Michelle of course. And why do they call her this? Don’t know. Frank tries to explain it, but his voice just sounds like a balloon slowly leaking air, so it’s not really making a lot of sense. “Johnny” does return to camp, and nobody’s happy to see her, and she’s not happy to see anyone. She says the game is all about politics as we go into the opening credits.

And the opening credits this season are as fabulous as ever, with one glaring exception. It’s awesome to see that they’re still using The O’Jays after all these years, and it really is one of the best theme songs on TV. I mean, Survivor and The Amazing Race have exciting theme songs, but they’re only exciting by association. They’re only good because they signal to you, “Hey, you’re about to watch Survivor and The Amazing Race.” As pieces of music, separate from the whole experience of sitting down to watch the show, they’re really nothing special. But “For the Love Of Money,” on the other hand. is just a ton of fun all on its own. It’s down and funky, and the irony of it being used as the theme song for one of the unfunkiest white men around is most delicious. They’ve screwed it up this year by dubbing in Trump saying, “You’re fired,” over the music, but even that can’t ruin what is usually the high point of each week’s episode.

Back from the credits, it’s sundown in LA, as shown to us with several silhouette shots of palm trees and the downtown skyline. It’s easy to tell this is a Mark Burnett show, because there are all these scenic shots of LA interspersed between the scenes. Just like how on Survivor you get time-lapse shots of the beach, or of scorpions fighting, on this show it’s the freeway, or the palm trees, or a time-lapse shot of hookers getting picked up on Hollywood Boulevard. It’s that extra little touch that makes you remember there are real pros putting this show together. I mean, they can make a show about kissing Donald Trump’s ass look gorgeous, and that’s a real accomplishment.

If you rememeber from last week, Team Kinetic won themselves a week off by being the winners in the last task. But that doesn’t mean they don’t get a phone call at some obscenely early time in the morning, and they’re asked to meet, along with Team Arrow, at Santa Monica Beach. Santa Monica? Again? There are other beaches in LA, you know. When they get there Team Arrow is all decked out in suits, but Team Kinetic has obviously been tipped off that something’s up, because they’re all wearing sarongs and board shorts. Puts a new spin on “business casual.” But soon they find out that not only do they get the week off, they also get to spend the day being pampered at the hotel’s day spa. So, in a way, this is Trump saying, “I’m sorry” for the Playboy Mansion. Because they’re still trying to wash that off.

So, basically, exeunt Team Kinetic for the rest of this episode, except for the few shots we see of them getting massages and mud masks. And that leaves us with Team Arrow, who is split into two sub teams this week. One team has Frank, Nicole, and Michelle (Team Sucky), and the other has Aaron and James (Team Not-So-Sucky). The two teams are tasked with creating a bus tour for Starline Tours, and convincing a group of tourists that LA really is as glamorous as they’ve heard. It’s not, but the tourists don’t know that. And neither does most of Team Arrow, because they seem to think putting lipstick on this particular pig will be easy. It’s not.

Team Not-So-Sucky gets right to work, calling up the Laker Girls to join them on the tour (why? Because everything’s more fun with cheerleaders!). Team Sucky sets right to work being, well, sucky, coming up with a “Day in the Life of the Rich and Famous” tour, which presupposes that movie stars actually hang out and spend time in Hollywood. So already, after five minutes of watching the teams at work, we already know who is going to win this task. It’s not difficult to figure out. But, just like each episode of Columbo starts by showing you the murder, leaving you only to wonder how Columbo is going to solve it, so here we’re left wondering how badly Team Sucky is going to screw things up. Let’s watch.

We start out with Michelle saying the word “consensus” about a hundred times, and while Team Not-So-Sucky is out making calls and trying to arrange things, Michelle spends a million hours trying to get the team to come together and all get behind the idea. She’s too afraid to just put her foot down and tell the team the way things are going to be, because she doesn’t want it to come back and bite her in the Boardroom. Which, considering Nicole was able to be a horrible Project Manager last week, and still got the blame shifted entirely to someone else at the end, maybe having the Project Manager pretend they’re not the Project Manager is the secret to success this season.

Salsa music and gorgeous shots of the beach, seagulls, and surfers. The segues this year are better than the show itself. A beautifully warped shot of people walking along the beach, which pulls out to reveal it’s actually a reflection in the windows of a lifeguard tower. It think these teams that are tasked with making LA look good need to get some advice from the Mark Burnett cameramen. But the salsa music is just there to show us Team Kinetic sipping mimosas by the pool. This is better than 80% of the rewards they have on the show, where they usually have to spend an hour with someone like George Steinbrenner or Regis Philbin, or spend the night being deloused after an evening at the Playboy Mansion. This reward not only recharges you and lifts your spirits, it brings you closer to your team too, so you’re more inclined to get along with them during a task. Good show!

Meanwhile, we’re getting some misleading editing with Team Not-So-Sucky, as we see Aaron trying to put together a tour of celebrity murders. The Menendez Brothers, OJ Simpson, things like that. He seems pretty serious about it, which shows you a lot about what’s inside Aaron’s head. The rest of the team shuts it down, and James switches gears to a tour of famous movie locations. Which is as good as you’re going to get, I guess. These tour companies kind of have learned the same lesson as the cruise ship companies, that it doesn’t matter where you’re going as long as you have fun while you’re getting there. So it’s not so important what sights you’re seeing, as long as the tour itself is a blast. And Team Not-So-Sucky picks up on this, especially when James takes one of the tours with the specific mission of finding out what the tourists are dissatisfied with, so they can try to make the experience better. Smart cookie, that one.

And what does James learn on the tour? It’s hot, the people are thirsty, and the tour operator is some kind of out-of-work comic who’s just glad he has a captive audience. The tourists seriously look like they’re ready to bolt at the next red light when this guy starts talking about his ruptured spleen. It’s embarrassing for the whole city, but it’s also true to life. You go to LA thinking you’re going to see movie stars, and all you end up seeing is this guy. Everywhere you go. Imagine a 24-hour American Idol audition, and that’s what Hollywood is like.

And while Team Not-So-Sucky is being not sucky, Team Sucky is being sucky some more. They split up into two vans and cruise around the town looking for all the hot spots that the stars frequent. And what do they see? Strip clubs, check cashing places, gift shops, Scientology temples. Massage parlors with bars on the windows. That kind of thing. Tim, who has obviously never been in LA before, sings the song of the truly disillusioned: “Hollywood’s kind of a dump.” And that “the rich and famous don’t really exist in Hollywood.” So they toodle over to Beverly Hills, and find out that it’s boring. Nice, but boring. So Michelle decides to go back to Hollywood. Or maybe Beverly Hills. Or maybe they could drive through Beverly Hills on their way to Hollywood. Michelle is one of those deer-in-the-headlights Project Managers, so afraid of making the wrong decision that they make no decision, which is a decision in itself, and possibly the worst possible one. So Tim and Michelle are wasting everyone’s time driving around in the van, but Frank and Nicole are in another van, doing even less. In fact, their major contribution seems to be talking bad about Michelle. Which she deserves, but so many people spend so much time looking for someone to blame, when if they just sucked it up and did the work, they’d win, and they wouldn’t have to blame anyone. But it’s Frank and Nicole, so what did you expect? Their idea of getting things done involves renting tuxedos and getting huge banners printed. Boy, Frank sure has come a long way from getting flyers at Kinko’s.

Meanwhile, Tim and Michelle are still driving. It’s dark, the hookers are out, and you can’t see a thing except headlights. But they’re still trying to decide between Hollywood and Beverly Hills. Still. It’s been hours. Michelle tells Tim to make a decision for her. This is sad. So both teams end up pulling all-nighters to work through their plans, but Team Sucky in particular gets like one hour of sleep.

The next morning, Aaron is leading a gaggle of Laker Girls down the streets of Hollywood. I guess this is his way of cleansing the gay he got all over him last week from Carey’s pink swimsuit. Everyone gets on the bus, and they’ve got popcorn, and they’ve got Arrowhead water (not quite the Perrier they were talking about the day before). But they’ve also got James screaming and making himself hoarse, and the people aren’t looking like they’re having too much fun. But they’re lucky not to be on Michelle’s bus, because she has taken the mic and she says “Rich and Famous” about fifteen times in the first two minutes. There are words coming out of her mouth, but they’re not making sense. Then she wisely passes the microphone to Tim, and once he gets it there’s some kind of magnetic field around his body that causes an insane amount of feedback to come out of the speakers. Kids are covering their ears. Dogs on the sidewalk are having seizures as the bus passes. I’m actually surprised the editors didn’t insert a fake shot here of Trump sitting in his office saying, “Do you hear that?” But the feedback fortunately is covering up what he’s saying, because he’s apparently picked up on Aaron’s celebrity death idea and proudly announces, “The first place we’re gonna see is called the Chateau Marmont. Chateau Marmont is most famous for is the location where the legendary John Belushi passed away after injecting a speedball full of drugs and overdosed.” Silence. Feedback. Horrified stares. Things are not going well for Team Sucky.

They’re not going well for Team Not-So-Sucky either, where the audience is less than captivated by James’ screaming. Finally Stefani just grabs the mic, and suddenly becomes awesome. She taps into some kind of past life experience, puts her glasses at the end of her nose, and becomes a tour guide. Like after this she probably got job offers from Starline. They’ve been looking for someone ever since they canned the spleen guy.

Before we know it, we’re back at Trump’s mansion to hear the results. And it’s exactly what we expected to hear half an hour ago. Team Not-So-Sucky wins by a wide margin. But first, Trump asks the teams how they think they did, and Team Sucky doesn’t even think they won. They can’t even get the confidence together to say, “I think we won.” They start blaming Michelle immediately, partly because they want to cover their own butts, but mostly because they know they lost. There’s no mystery here. Team Not-So-Sucky gets to learn that winning is its own reward, because even though they were on the winning sub-team, they’re still members of perpetual losers Team Arrow, so they get no reward, and everyone’s dismissed, with Team Not-So-Sucky coming back to the boardroom later, with Aaron sitting in as the “winning” Project Manager.

But then, what’s this? Michelle has something to say. And what she has to say is not only that she knows she’s going to be fired, so she doesn’t want to waste everyone’s time, but also that this season of the show kind of sucks and she doesn’t want to be a part of it. She calls out the whole “living in the backyard” twist as an incredibly stupid gimmick, without using those words, and basically says the show is so bad this year that she doesn’t even want to be a part of it anymore. Having to suck up to Trump on national TV is bad enough, but at least she thought she’d have a real toilet, you know? Trump tries to shame her into staying on, couching it as “quitting”, and of course “quitting” is one of Trump’s deadly sins. And then he starts talking about boxing, which has nothing to do with anything, but it’s kind of typical Trump. Michelle just comes back and says that staying on the show would compromise her integrity. This show is so embarrassing this year it’s actually against her nature to be on it. It’s subtle, and the editing staff tries to hide it, but she’s basically calling Trump on his bullshit here. And Trump of course doesn’t see it, because it’s a deadly sin, but she’s saying that she’d rather be a quitter than be a dancing monkey. She even gets this wicked little smile on her face, as she realizes what she’s done, and that what she’s done is flipped Donald Trump the bird on national TV. She’s reached the point in her personal growth where she realizes that she’s better than Trump, and this show is beneath her. It’s like watching someone slowly wake up from a coma. It’s kind of awesome.

Trump makes some noises to the effect that her leaving the show doesn’t let the rest of Team Sucky off the hook for coming to the Boardroom, but after some time he decides that he’d rather save his double firings for later in the season, and calls Arrow to let everyone know the Boardroom has been called off. So there is much cheering in the backyard, and the last thing we see is Michelle walking down the driveway, flipping off Trump and Mark Burnett and everybody. She was an extraordinarily horrible Project Manager, but at least she knew when to get out.