On The Air

After an episode where the first half is spent keeping the teams as tightly bunched as possible, and then the second half is spent knocking two teams out of the running within a five-minute period, our winners are finally crowned.

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recaplet
TV Squad review
TV Guide review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

In the beginning, there was the Space Needle. Yay, Space Needle! Then there were nine teams who got eliminated, one-by-one. And most of them I wouldn’t have minded seeing in the finals. Bilal and Sa’eed at first seemed like they’d be the preachy and annoying kind of religious, like Brandon and Nicole, but actually turned out to be the mellow and cool kind of religious. At least, for the half a leg we saw them in. Arti was really really cute, and I wish we could have been watching her this whole time instead of having to look at Kandice’s horse teeth. Kellie and Jamie supposedly could talk to doorknobs, but they regrettably didn’t get to demonstrate that amazing ability. And Erwin and Godwin were kind of on a slippery slope of dweebishness throughout the whole season, but I felt like they had more in them. There were so many more countries left for them to get lost in!

So now we’re left with Tyler and James, Rob and Kim, and Lyn and Karlyn in Barcelona. Who will be eliminated next? What? No more eliminations? Crap.

Teams leave the Pit Stop in the middle of the night, looking for the unfinished “Sagrada Familia” church. It turns out Tyler and James were only nine minutes behind Lyn and Karlyn, so I guess picking the tomato task last week wasn’t too much of an advantage. But still, it’s not often that the needle in a haystack task (or needle in a tomato stack, as it were) is actually the faster one. Rob and Kim have a half-hour lead over everyone else, though, so they’re the first to get the clue: a picture of the Eiffel Tower. Now, I know some of these clues use pictures to try to make things harder, but giving teams a picture of the Eiffel Tower is almost too easy, like the producers were just too lazy to print up an actual clue and just went out to buy some postcards.

Many of the flights to Paris are full, so the three teams end up catching three different flights. And although Lyn and Karlyn get the last flight out of Spain, they end up getting to the Eiffel Tower first because their flight lands at an airport closer to the city. I guess there’s a lesson to be learned there. Just don’t get fooled that you’ll get the same advantage trying to head out of town.

Once at the Eiffel Tower, teams find out they’re not staying in Paris. They have to hop on a train and head out of the city, out to the beaches of Normandy, 145 miles away. And although there’s a lot of scrambling around the city, everyone ends up on the same train. You would think that they’d try to minimize the amount of bunching that happens in the final leg, but I guess there’s been some really piss-poor planning in the last half of this Race, so it’s no surprise.

Once in Normandy, the teams are given a Roadblock, which turns out to be skydiving. Now usually, doesn’t the skydiving come earlier in the race? It seems like it was kind of shoehorned in here, like they got down to the final leg and said, “Oh crap! We forgot the skydiving!” Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the clue box just seconds before Rob and Kim, and Kim is so frantic to get there that she wipes out and falls on her butt, nearly knocking the box over. I guess it’s not quite as embarrassing as the time someone slipped and fell at the Pit Stop in one of the early seasons. And at least she didn’t do it on purpose, Godwin. But when Kim reads the clue, “Who’s ready to storm the beach,” she says that she’ll do it and there’s no argument from Rob. Like, no clue that maybe because they’re in an airport it might have something to do with planes, and since there hasn’t been a skydiving task yet this season, maybe this will be it. But then as soon as they open the clue he gets bummed out. Apparently that’s the one thing he wanted to do on this whole race, was to skydive. And maybe he couldn’t take it because he had already done his max number of Roadblocks? I don’t know, and I’m too lazy to go back and count. But they seemed pretty certain that Kim was going to take this Roadblock, so you’d think he’d be able to keep his disappointment to himself. You’d be wrong.

So the teams skydive, which is about as exciting as you’d imagine after 10 seasons. But the one twist is that the non-diving teammate has to go up in the plane too, and at the exact moment the jumpers fall out, the pilot bumps the plane into a nosedive. So the parachuters and the airplane are falling together, side by side, for a few seconds. But then the chute opens, and everyone’s back on the beach. They get their next clue, which tells them to go back to Paris. Really? They took a two-hour train ride out of the city, just to go skydiving, and now they’re going right back? See what I was talking about with the poor planning?

The train apparently doesn’t leave until 5:23, so Rob and Kim figure they have plenty of time to go to the post office and exchange some money. While they’re gone, though, the train comes in at 5:10, nearly fifteen minutes early. The other teams get on it, but Rob and Kim miss it because they’re not back yet. So when they do get back, everyone else has disappeared, like they were snatched up by UFOs or something. And then, weirdly, another train comes along at 5:23, just like it was supposed to. So that first train was what? A ghost train? An extra train that the producers lined up at the last minute just to play mind games with Rob and Kim? We’ll never know.

And it doesn’t matter anyway, since everyone has to change trains on the way to Paris, and Rob and Kim catch up. So everyone is all bunched up again, heading back into the city. Good thing we’re halfway through the final episode here. Something tells me the producers are itching for a footrace to the final mat, and trying to keep everyone as close together as possible so they’ll get one.

Once back in Paris, we’re subjected to one of the lamest Detours ever, especially for a final leg. I mean, you’re supposed to save all your fireworks and best stuff for the final leg, but now we’re watching people make jackets in a tailor shop. It’s like the opposite of engaging TV. Maybe they’re trying for some kind of Project Runway crossover. I don’t get it.

It’s irrelevant anyway, since everyone ends up at the same airport, jockeying for position on the same flight to the US. Yes, we’re finally on our way back to the US and the race’s finish line, in New York City. Lyn and Karlyn try to be sneaky at first by heading back to the same airport that worked out for them so well the first time, only to find that there are no flights across the pond from there. Ooops. And in the taxi to the airport, Rob is still bitching about not being able to skydive. Which, you stood right there while she was reading the clue and let her do it, dude. Notwithstanding the fact that you can’t go back and change it because it’s all over and done, if you were standing there at the final Roadblock of the season, and you’re inside an airport, and there are these muscular extreme sport lookin’ guys standing right there, maybe you should pick up on the cues and take the Roadblock yourself. And if you didn’t do that, maybe you should just stuff it instead of driving it into the ground all day and all night. Just maybe.

So anyway, all three teams end up at the same ticket counter at the airport, trying to get on the same flight. It’s booked, so they’re all basically on standby, trying to get a spot. Rob and Kim somehow manage to charm their way to the top of the list, so they’ve got tickets. We’re left with Tyler and James and Lyn and Karlyn waiting around and glaring at each other, and there is much suspense here with the typing and the computer screens and Rob gloating on the plane. He’s sure they’ve got the race in the bag. We’re even treated to a slow motion fade-out to commercial as Tyler declares it over. But then the music gets really tense and frantic, like we’re in a James Bond movie, and suddenly, “Pop,” out come two tickets for James and Tyler. So they make the flight, much to the unhappiness of Rob and Kim, who are already settled in their seats when the boys walk in. There goes your sure win. Lyn and Karlyn, though, aren’t as lucky. As the plane carrying the first two teams takes off from Paris, they’re still on the ground. Lyn makes a fat lady joke, and that’s officially the last we’ll see of Lyn and Karlyn.

A quick helicopter shot brings us into New York, where the other two teams are getting off their planes. They hop into taxis, and it becomes a wild cab race on the expressway. Tyler and James’ Indian driver agrees to give Rob and Kim “the dodge”, and he pulls all these exit fakeouts and crazy lane changes. And after seeing how chaotic the streets of India really are, like we did earlier this season, I can understand why this guy is so good.

But Rob and Kim’s driver is good too, and he does not, in fact, get “the dodge”. He sticks with them all the way up until they hit a toll plaza, and that’s when we find out how much of a part blind luck plays in winning this race. Because the toll booth has a special lane for E-Z Pass holders, and Tyler and James’ driver has one so they’re able to whip on through. Rob and Kim’s guy? Doesn’t. So they have to wait in the lane to pay cash, and that right there is where Tyler and James won the Race. From here on out we’re just going through the motions. The Million-Dollar E-Z Pass.

So on arrival in Manhattan, the boys find the giant globe at the News Building, and get their next clue. The clue tells them to walk two miles across town to find a sculpture. Phil tries to give this task his usual gravitas, but we’re not buying it. We’re in the last leg of the race, we’re in the final city, and their big final task is to jog two miles. I’m not feeling the love here. Eating a pizza in Chicago was more inventive than this. It’s like the planners went out to lunch and left their twelve-year-old daughters to come up with the final task. And when they get to the sculpture, all they have to do is find the lady in the yellow cap (who is standing right out in the open), and get their last clue. We’re treated to lots of tense jogging, which is so thrilling that I can’t describe it. Will they get run over by cross traffic? Will they slip in a puddle? Tyler and James make it first, and get the instructions to drive 56 miles upstate to the town of Garrison, where the finish line awaits. They’re in a taxi and gone before Rob and Kim ever show up, and although the editors are trying to fool us here, it’s never really clear how far behind those two are.

Lots of tense driving follows, and much is made of the fact that the cab drivers don’t know where they’re going. Which is not so much of a surprise, since I doubt an NYC cabbie gets much of a chance to go out for a leisurely cruise through the country. But the drivers are constantly on the radio with a dispatcher, who no doubt is following along on Google Maps, and there are plenty of helpful locals to get them pointed towards the St. Basil Academy, where Phil awaits with the oversized bathmat.

And here’s the finish line, where all the eliminated teams are clapping and cheering for the camera, pretending to be happy. Peter and Sarah are actually almost touching, although I’m sure the producers made them stand that close. The cheerleaders and Tom and Terry are all jumping up and down in a big group. How much fun do you think those four had in Sequesterville? And I’m counting at least 4 of David and Mary’s “Friends In Low Places” t-shirts, in every color of the rainbow. Erwin and Godwin are each wearing a black one, David’s got one in red, and Lyn was wearing a yellow one when we last saw her in Paris. How many of those things did they pack?

A mysterious taxi is pulling up the driveway. Who could be in it? The taxi parks. Everyone looks on anxiously. How long can they drag on this suspense? Not long, apparently, since a quick shot shows Tyler and James running around the corner as the music swells. They hit the mat, and Phil announces that they’ve won the Race. “4 continents, 13 countries, and 40,000 miles.” They can’t even believe it, and they make Phil repeat himself. Like I’m sure this is all a big practical joke, and Lyn and Karlyn are going to jump out of the bushes, all, “Fooled you!”

Some indeterminate amount of time later, another taxi pulls up with Rob and Kim inside. They’re not too happy to see Tyler and James already standing there, but at least everyone is still cheering for them at this point. Bilal and Sa’eed especially seem to be getting into it. Phil asks them if they’ll still stay together even though they didn’t win, and they answer is basically, “Well, duh.”

Oh, and look at this. Lyn and Karlyn finally made it. I can only hope they had a private car pick them up at the airport, and they weren’t made to run through the streets of New York for nothing, you know? They’re in tears as Phil tells them they came in third, and part of that is disappointment, but part of it also has to be the fact that they’re standing up there, on the bathmat, and not out in the crowd clapping. I mean, who would have had them pegged for the final three? Not me, certainly. And at least they made it back to the US, where for a while there it looked like they were going to get the Guido Edit, and we’d have a quick cutaway to a McDonald’s in Paris where they’re being handed a note saying the race is over. So maybe they gave their kids a lot of stuff not to be proud of, especially Karlyn, but at least they made it. At least they beat out nine other teams, and that’s gotta count for something.

And once all the teams are finally checked in, things really get cruel. I’m sure this was supposed to be an inspiring moment, but the way they set it up and delivered kind of made it suck. And, I’m sorry to say, a lot of that has to fall on Phil for presenting it the way he did. What happens is that Phil starts talking about how Tyler and James have been through some rough patches, and “here’s your chance to celebrate one of the better times with your family, right now.” James’ eyes get as big as dinner plates at this, and he immediately starts scanning the trees. Like, immediately. So does Tyler, and so do all the eliminated teams, actually. Because they’ve all seen Survivor, and they’ve all seen Jeff Probst say this countless times, and this is when family members magically appear out of the jungle. So everyone, naturally, is looking around for the boys’ parents to come hopping out of the woods somewhere, and Phil pauses just long enough that you think it’s going to happen. And then, and this is one time Phil really shouldn’t have paused, or should have worded things differently, because then Phil reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. And there’s this momentary look on the guys faces, where you can see they’re thinking “Did he just say ’a phone’? That bastard.” And so Tyler gets to talk to his mom on the phone, who is wearing a dress that is seriously not made for television. And she’s all surprised and excited, but she had to know to expect something like this, considering all the TV cameras in her living room. You know, it might have been a tipoff. Then the phone goes to James’ dad, and I’m sure he’s a great guy, and he didn’t ask to be on television, so I’ve got to cut him a little slack, but he’s wearing a lime green shirt and his eyebrows…they…oh god, I don’t even know what to say. I mean, he’s gotta know what they look like, so this has to be deliberate, but there aren’t even words to describe what’s going on with this guy’s eyebrows. This is one time I’ve got to include a picture, because the English language fails me here.

!!!!!!

Then there’s hugging, and of course Tyler has to refer back to his drug addiction, because they were cast as a gimmick, and the show is determined to keep that gimmick alive until the gruesome end. “We won the game of life, and now we won The Amazing Race too.” And on that, we fade out to the big group shot of everyone standing on the mat cheering.

So, another race has gone by. Another forgettable race. I love this show, and I’ve loved it ever since the very first season, but now it seems like it’s gotten so routine that there’s not a lot of excitement behind it anymore. The finales anymore don’t get much response other than a big “Eh.” And maybe it’s just the casting, because oh, the ruggedly handsome, young, alpha male team won? What a shock! But the Amazing Race isn’t engaging like it used to be, all those seasons ago, and the answer to fixing it doesn’t lie in adding “twists” like mid-leg eliminations, or a 30-minute penalty for non-elimination, or the Intersection. The race is disappointing to me in ways more subtle than that, and I’m going to keep watching it until one of us dies, but the passion just isn’t there anymore. They’ve got to do something to re-energize it, or else it will keep limping on from one excruciating season to the next.

Next year: The Amazing Race All Stars! Is this what the show needs to come back to life? Join me in February and we’ll see!