On The Air

Part One of the final race to the finish leads us to Spain, where the Blondes don’t even need to be penalized. They lose all on their own.

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recaplet
TV Squad review
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Here we are at Leg 12 of the Race. Now, rightfully we should be sitting here talking about the finale, because for almost as long as the Amazing Race has been on air, CBS has given them a two-hour timeslot for the final episode, so we get to watch Legs 12 and 13 back-to-back. But I guess part of the show’s move to Sunday night this season means stepping aside to make room for Cold Case.

So Leg 12 begins with a Moroccan sunrise and a drive through the Atlas Mountains. All the teams talk about how they’re planning to get rid of Dustin and Kandice, although it’s not like you can team up to vote them off the race, you know? And plus, why is everyone so focused on them, anyway? They’ve already got swollen heads about how good they think they are, and if you’re always talking about them they’re just going to get more confident. Plus, Lyn and Karlyn managed to survive an alliance with David and Mary and Erwin and Godwin, two of the most inept teams ever, and they still made it to the final four. So don’t you think they’re just as much of a threat, if not more? What’s so hot about the Blondes, I guess is what I’m saying.

Teams have to drive to Casablanca and find a cluebox in a crowded marketplace. Some teams have no problems with this. Tyler and James seem to walk right up to it, as do Dustin and Kandice. But Rob and Kim just cannot find the thing. They’re running around and around in circles, through tunnels and past stalls, and you won’t be surprised to hear that Rob has a huge meltdown, yells at everyone, and calls everyone he meets “Dude.” I’m sure there’s some foreign language out there where the word dude is an incredibly nasty insult that will get you punched, and Rob’s just lucky the Race didn’t go to that country.

So while Rob is frantically running around, trying to give himself a heart attack, the Blondes and Tyler and James are attacking the Roadblock. And this Roadblock is another Exotic Food Challenge, although the food isn’t nearly as nasty as it has been in the past. All you have to eat is one pound of ground camel meat. And the meat isn’t that bad, James says it tastes like a really good burger. But to get the meat you have to go to a camel butcher, and the camel butcher has camel carcasses hanging everywhere. Like, actual skinned camels just hanging there from hooks, with their heads still attached. The heads are just staring at you, with their tongues hanging out, and you have to walk by this to get your meat. You guys, they’re using a camel head as a planter. There’s a camel head strapped to a post, and there’s a houseplant growing out of it. This isn’t quite at the level of eating cow’s lips with the teeth still attached, but it’s still a nasty start to your task.

Once you get the raw meat, you have to grind it yourself, toss in a few spices, and stick it on a skewer to have it cooked. So you’re basically eating camel kabobs, and it really doesn’t look half bad. Except the camera keeps zooming in on the disembodied camel heads, while tossing in sound effects of angry camels. I guess I’d be angry too if someone planted shrubbery in my head.

Rob and Kim and Lyn and Karlyn finally make it to the Roadblock, after the first two teams have left. Lyn gets philosophical about eating the camels, saying that every time you buy meat it’s some dead animal. True, but I’m guessing that the supermarket where you buy your meat isn’t using cow heads to grow their azaleas in, so the circumstances here are a little different. Rob, for his part, pretty much forces Kim to take the Roadblock, and then spends the entire task telling her how to grind the meat, and how to add spices, how to put it on the skewer, and how to eat it. I guess he’s taking over for the long gone Peter in coaching his partner when she doesn’t particularly want it. And Karlyn is taking a break from being nasty to other teams so she can be nasty to her own team. Apparently Lyn isn’t eating fast enough for her, and she lets her know it. Loudly and often. She’s actually getting pissed off that Lyn is taking time to chew before she swallows. Is she joking?

Finally everyone’s done with the Roadblock and heads to their cars. There’s this split second as Lyn and Karlyn are running to their car where the camera swings down and catches a little kitty cat hanging out next to the car. The cat gives us a look like, “Take me with you! Did you see what they did to those camels?” All teams get the clue to fly to Barcelona, Spain, just a quick jump across the Mediterranean Sea (whatever happened to taking ferries sometimes, instead of flying everywhere?) And the next flight isn’t for a few hours, so everyone gets bunched up and all of Rob’s yelling was for nothing. Dude!

In the airport Dustin and Kandice approach Tyler and James to see if the boys will let the girls beat them in a footrace, even if it means the boys have to “trip” on the way. Nice try, girls, but I don’t see that happening. Maybe they’ll trip you to get in first, is that good enough?

By the time teams get to Spain, it’s already getting dark, and they run into an Hours of Operation gate. I guess they didn’t want everyone running around a hedge maze in the dark, just like they didn’t want everyone riding chariots in the dark. But at least this time there’s no Yield box behind the gate, so this planning isn’t nearly as piss poor as it was last week.

The hedge maze is…well, a hedge maze. With a lot of scrambling around and close quarters, and cameramen crashing into people when they hit a dead end. The clue at the center of the maze leads teams to the Detour, a choice between Lug It and Lob It. In Lug It they have to put on a costume of a 9-foot tall giant and walk through the city streets wearing it. These costumes are pretty hilarious; you wear them on your shoulders and all anyone can see of you is your feet. And they’ve got these dead-eyed papier-mache heads on them, and you have to walk along like it’s the most normal thing in the world. One of them looks just like the creepy Burger King costume from the commericals. It’s awesome.

The other Detour choice is to search through a pile of tomatoes looking for a clue. It’s a classic needle in a haystack task, which means it’s almost certainly a bad choice. But here they keep piling on the difficulties. First, the clue is actually buried inside the tomato, so you’ve got to squeeze each one and check out its innards. And second, while you’re doing this a local mob of ruffians is standing around in a semicircle, throwing tomatoes at your head, and you have to “defend yourself” by throwing them back. So it’s a double-hard needle in a haystack task, with an extra scoop of chaotic violence on the top. Why, if only there was a contestant with anger management issues that would could send to do this task, it would be perfect!

A couple of teams were forward-thinking enough to call taxis to be waiting, so they’re able to leave right away. Lyn and Karlyn didn’t call one, and Tyler and James called one but it doesn’t show up, so those two teams have to wander the streets trying to hail a cab. Rob and Kim, however, are just showing up at the tomatoes, and it’s pretty hilarious, because when they first get there the place is completely deserted. There’s this big pile in the middle, and all these little piles around the edge, and nobody around so Rob and Kim just run up and get to work. But then all the villagers appear, like out of nowhere. Like they’re hiding behind trees and hiding behind each other, and they just appear and start belting the racers with tomatoes. It’s seriously one of the best moments on the race, all these people materializing out of the woodwork to throw tomatoes at Rob and Kim.

Kim’s not too happy, because she seems to be getting most of the hits, and she seems to be getting them right in the ear. She lets out this little “Ow” each time she gets hit. Rob gets into the spirit of the competition a little too much, and he starts throwing tomatoes back at the crowd with a look of murderous rage on his face. The villagers keep laughing and having a good time, because this probably the highlight of their week, but I’ll bet if they could see Rob’s face up close a few of them would run away and go home. Because the man is ready to kill. I don’t know if he thinks he can stop them from throwing tomatoes, like if he hits one hard enough they’ll fall over unconscious, but he seems to be taking things pretty seriously. Kim’s not too happy, because a needle in a haystack task is frustrating enough, but when you’re getting hit with tomatoes every second or two it kind of makes thing worse. Soon she reaches a breaking point, and she’s thrown into a full panic. Not like she thinks the other task will be faster, but just that her adrenaline is telling her to get out of here. Like a biologic response. And Rob’s not helping, so eventually it all collapses into a screaming match. It’s not pretty. But they find the clue at last, and they actually hit the Pit Stop in first place. So I guess the needle in a haystack paid off for once. Who knew? Rob breaks down in tears at the mat, and he’s got this scrunched up chimpanzee face that’s kind of funny but also kind of scary. And, somebody needs to tell him this isn’t Survivor. You are allowed to bring a razor on the Amazing Race.

Lyn and Karlyn do the tomatoes too, and there’s a lot less screaming, even though they’re getting hit just as much. The find the clue, and the villagers applaud. I guess they’re just happy that all American’s aren’t like Rob and Kim. Lyn and Karlyn show up in second place. So I guess carrying the giants was a really bad choice.

Speaking of the giants, Tyler and James and the Beauty Queens end up basically doing the Detour together. This is part of the boys’ plan to stick close to the Blondes and make sure they don’t come in first. They don’t realize, though, that they’re not competing for first, they’re competing for last. And after they’re done waddling through the streets (Kandice actually took the Burger King costume), they still think they’re in a race for first place. Oops! Somebody’s going to be surprised!

There’s a lot of scrambling at the Pit Stop, and the mat is located at the top of the stairs, but the locals keep pointing teams in the wrong direction, away from the stairs. There’s a lot of running, but Tyler and James do make it to the mat in third place.

So here come Dustin and Kandice up the stairs. Their penalty turned out not to mean anything, because they came in last place anyway. So they’re eliminated. I think they were overrated for most of the race, especially at the end when their strategy seemed to include a lot of following cabs and following other teams. Not many teams managed to come in last place two legs in a row. Even David and Mary couldn’t pull that off. The Beauty Queens lost this race all on their own, and along with it whatever mojo they had early on.

So now we’re down to the final three teams, and the final race to the finish line next week. We see a lot of the usual tough talk that you usually get heading into the final episode, and it’s kind of blunted by the fact that it’s Lyn and Karlyn doing the tough talking. They’re not exactly the type that you’d imagine being the first all-female team to make it to the finals. It’s especially a shame to see Karlyn sitting there after all the nastiness she’s spread around the world, but Lyn is a nice enough lady so I guess it all balances out. Like how Zach deserved to win even more, just because he had to drag Flo all the way with him. Lyn might just deserve to win just because she had to put up with Karlyn this whole time, especially after this last leg when Karlyn apparently ran out of locals to be nasty to and turn her sights on Lyn instead.

But let’s not kid ourselves. Tyler and James are winning this thing. We all know it.