On The Air

The Ukrainian underground rap movement?

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recap
TV Squad review
TV Guide review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

You know, I’m left this week with the uneasy feeling that this just wasn’t an engaging episode. I found myself forgetting it almost as soon as it was over. But that doesn’t make any sense, because there were so many nice little touches in this show, so many things to like. But somehow it all fell flat. How does a show become less than the sum of its parts? I don’t get it.

Anyway, the second half of the double leg began with a clue, an actual clue! And a clue that kind of had a tricky element to it, enough to trip you up for a couple of minutes. All they were told was to fly to the capital of the country that Chernobyl is in. Which by itself is a huge leap ahead of the usual type of “Go Here” instructions they get when they rip an envelope. But on top of that was the twist that most people think of Chernobyl as being in Russia, but it’s actually in the Ukraine, which broke away when the Soviet Union collapsed. So your first thought would be to fly to Moscow, but you’re actually going to Kiev. Luckily Dave and Mary are gone, so nobody actually gets on a plane to Moscow. And nobody gets on a flight to Chernobyl either, although Tyler tries. Everyone asks at the airport and compares notes to figure out where they’re really going. But it’s still a nice nod back to the times when a “clue” would be a puzzle that you actually had to figure out.

The airport hijinx are only mildly interesting this time, but they do put Tyler and James and the Beauty Queens in Kiev with a half-hour lead, which they manage to keep for the entire rest of the episode. I guess the boys got better at navigating over the last few shows. Actually, it seems like everyone is giving up on the idea of finding their own way and just hiring cabs to guide them. Kind of defeats the purpose of driving yourself, but it’s never been against the rules.

And speaking of driving yourself, the run-down cars have made a comeback. Waiting at the Kiev airport are some junky old Russian-made cars that the teams have to drive. Between these and the Russian jeeps they were given back in Mongolia, this show isn’t doing anything to help Russia’s reputation as a car maker. Dustin points out the obvious difference between these cars and the Mercedes they were driving in Finland, but I think it goes beyond even that. As usual whenever the race throws “local” cars at the racers, these vehicles look like they were pulled off the scrap line at the last minute. But nobody has it worse than Rob and Kim, as their bad streak of luck with rental cars just won’t go away. The steering in their car is shot, and the gearshift is just spinning around in circles so you never know what gear you’re actually going to end up in. Finally it just keels over and dies on the side of the road, complete with sputtering, clacking, backfiring, and smoke pouring out of the hood. Their cab driver tries to be helpful by opening the hood and poking around, but it’s no use. This car is headed back to the scrap heap from which it came.

Even with all this car trouble, though, Rob and Kim never fall behind the Cho Brothers and Lyn and Karlyn. That’s because, despite having left the airport at the same time, and despite having the help of a map, numerous locals, a security guard, and a cab driver, the Chos are driving about 30 MPH and stopping every half mile to ask for directions. Seriously, every time we see the Chos, one of them is saying, “Let’s pull over.” “Let’s stop up here.” “Why don’t we ask this guy?” “Can you tell us where this is?” “Anybody wanna help?” This is just a mental breakdown on a global scale. This is more than just a brain fart, this is blood leaking out of your ears. This is setting a new record for lack of confidence in oneself, because even teams we’ve seen before that are lost don’t stop for directions every ten feet. I mean, yeah it sucks to find out you’ve gone the wrong way, but it sucks even more to stop six times on your way out of the parking lot. The race didn’t beat the Chos, the Chos beat themselves.

But if the Chos are showing a stunning lack of confidence here, then we can’t even start to go into what’s happening with Lyn and Karlyn. Because the whole time that the Chos are creeping along and asking every stranger they pass on the sidewalk for directions, the Alabama girls are following along right behind. They’re bitching the whole way, of course, but they’re following the Chos’ every move, they’re pulling over every time the boys pull over, and all of this is happening while they are making absolutely no effort to maybe find their own way. They don’t have a map, they haven’t asked anybody for directions, they haven’t talked to a cab driver, they’re depending on the Chos to lead this caravan of tragedy, no matter what cliff they might be heading over. And I distinctly seem to remember, on more than one occasion, Lyn and Karlyn bitching to themselves how other people ought to “run their own race.” I remember them being morally offended by the thought that Dustin and Kandice might ask for directions from the same guy that they just asked. But now they’re riding the Chos’ butts so close that they might as well hook up a tow rope? Really? How exactly is that “running your own race”, ladies?

So the Roadblock this week is pretty awesome: hop into a Soviet tank and drive it through a muddy minefield. Dustin and James are the first two driving the tanks, and they’re plowing through the mud and dodging explosions, and getting drenched with dirty water. On the sidelines Kandice and Tyler are waiting for their teammates, and the two of them are pretending to flirt, but you know she isn’t Tyler’s type. Tyler’s type is out driving a tank right now.

After the tanks are finished it’s back to Kiev to find some apartment building in a back alley somewhere to get their clue. There’s no task here, just finding the apartment and the lady who lives there, who looks distressingly similar to Mary. I like it when they throw in little pointless tasks like this, that are only meant to make people scramble all over town from one place to another finding clues. It increases the chances of everybody getting lost, and racing is more about navigating in a strange city than it is eating four pounds of meat, anyway.

Speaking of getting lost, Erwin and Godwin find the tanks eventually, with Lyn and Karlyn right behind. The boys finish well ahead of the girls, but instead of leaving as soon as they’re done they decide to wait around for their alliance mates. This is just getting stupid, y’all. This whole season has been building on the theme of the foolishness of the Cho brothers, and it’s all come to an apex here. The navigation troubles, the waiting around for other teams, and all their crap about how they’re trying to run a different kind of race. I think we should let the story of the Chos stand in history as the prime example of why alliances in the Amazing Race don’t work, of how the whole game is designed so that alliances are never going to work. You’re not going to get ahead by being in an alliance, like you are in any of the other games out there. Everyone seems to think that being in an alliance will make the whole group as fast as the strongest team, but this whole season has been a 10-week lesson in how it really makes you as slow as the weakest team. The Cho brothers might have been good racers on their own (I doubt it), but by hitching themselves up to weaker teams they guaranteed a loss from the start. “It just goes to show you, book smarts doesn’t get you where you think it will in this race,” says Tyler at one point. Amen.

So the clue that everyone gets from the lady in the apartment directs them to the Detour. And the choice this week is either searching through thousands of pieces of sheet music for one particular composition (a classic needle in a haystack task, which is almost always a bad choice) or to go to a hip hop club and write and perform a rap about the Race so far. So the whole choice comes down to how willing you are to make a fool of yourself in front of a crowd. Which, since you’ve already agreed to go on the race, that must not be such a problem for you.

This Detour turns out to be pretty hilarious and a lot of fun to watch, even though it basically is pretty stupid. The people who choose “rap” have to dress up in a rap costume, including baggy pants, a backwards baseball cap, and gold chains. I swear I am not making this up. And then they get in front of the crowd, and they’re all universally horrible at it. But the audience is probably getting free drinks from CBS to be there, so they’re having a good time and cheering them on anyway. The folks who choose the classical music have to dress up in a tuxedo, complete with tails, and have to search through piles and piles of sheet music. Normally the needle in a haystack tasks are made to be absolutely impossible, but this one looks a lot easier. I’m thinking there are more than just five copies of what they’re looking for in there. Then they have to take the music to a piano player and sit through a performance to get their clue. And this is where the editors have the most fun, because they get to jump cut between the high-energy club with its thumping rap beat, and the serene classical music being played by people in tuxedos. The Amazing Editors have some of the most fun jobs in the business. They can make even the lamest tasks look entertaining.

After that it’s time for the Pit Stop. Tyler and James are first, and they’ve got this really odd thing going on. Phil is right in the middle of one of his trademark pauses (Patent Pending), and he’s got the eyebrow up and everything, and Tyler squeezes James’ arm. I mean, he reaches right over and grabs a chunk of flesh and pinches it. And James doesn’t even flinch at this. It’s so normal for him, he doesn’t even notice. And then Phil, awesomely, realizes that things are already so weird on the other side of the mat that it doesn’t matter anymore what he does. So he scrunches up his face, nods his head, and says, “Yeah, you’re team number one.” Tyler and James yell and high five and hug, and then Tyler is holding onto James’ hand and he won’t let go. He just won’t let go.

I’m not saying anything. Just that they were holding hands for a long time.

Dustin and Kandace and Rob and Kim get into the Pit Stop quickly, which leaves us with the Cho brothers and Alabama. Guess who’s still stopping every ten feet, and guess who’s still following who? Finally, late in the game, the girls grow a brain and ditch the boys. And that’s something they should have done a hell of a long time ago, but it’s good to see it happening. But then we step into Bizarro world, and things start to happen that wouldn’t happen in the universe I live in. First the Cho brothers get mad that Lyn and Karlyn went ahead without them. Actually, they’re not sad, they’re “disappointed”. They have the balls to be disappointed that Lyn and Karlyn got sick of their shit and broke the alliance. First of all, the alliance should have been broken about seven shows ago. And secondly, what kind of screwed up moral high horse to you have to be perched on to actually get disappointed because a team is not following you?

But it’s not over. Because a couple of minutes later the fabric of time and space unravels from the collective effort of the universe trying to wrap itself around the paradox that is Lyn and Karlyn’s logic. Because the Cho brothers have managed to catch back up with them after the ditch, so now Alabama is in the front and the Chos are behind. And Karlyn actually has this to say about the situation: “the Cho brothers need to learn how to run their own race.” Seriously? Seriously? You rode their ass halfway across the Ukraine and back, not bothering to get a map, not bothering to ask for any directions, just spent the entire day sucking the fumes off the Cho brother’s crappy Russian car, and now that they’re behind you for five seconds they’re the ones that need to run their own race? Is this real? Could these thoughts really be running through her head right now? Are we being Punk’d?

See, this is where you know The Amazing Race is not fixed, because if it was there would have been another double-elimination in this episode. I hope Lyn and Karlyn get eaten by sharks next week.

So: rap music, sheet music, drunken audience, cute piano girl. At this point I’m rooting for them both to lose, so I’ve lost all interest. And Lyn and Karlyn are at the Pit Stop (Phil actually rolls his eyes a little when Lyn hugs him; bless you, Phil). But where are the Cho brothers? Oh god, they’re lost again. And they’re not just lost, they’ve taken a wrong turn and ended up on a parade route or something. They’re on a street with no cars and pedestrians milling around, and they’re driving right down the middle of it. This is embarrassing.

And then we have police. I guess driving down the middle of a closed street is against a couple of laws, because the Chos are stopped and hauled out of the car to talk to the officers. The cameraman wisely decides to stay put, so we have this faraway footage of Erwin and Godwin being hassled by these two big guys, and then they’re asked to show their documents. Uh-oh. It’s at this point you stop thinking about the Pit Stop and start coming up with a plan to stay out of Ukrainian jail. CBS lawyers get involved, though (off-camera, of course), so the boys are ultimately saved. But it’s pretty dark when they get to the Pit Stop, and they’re eliminated.

Godwin starts crying while saying, “We wanted to run the race the way we were raised.” I can’t believe I used to like these guys. And they go on to talk about integrity, although they’re talking about it in a general sense, so points to them for not actually using the word. But seriously, integrity is the worst thing you can bring along when you go on one of these shows. You notice that the winners never talk about how they played with integrity.

The Chos have no regrets about the way they played. But if you lost, shouldn’t you have some kind of regret? I guess they’re too virtuous for that. After all, they didn’t want to win, they just wanted to run the race. The way they were raised. And I guess they got their wish. Good riddance.

Next week: The Yield. Oh fun. Because all the petty moralizing that surrounds using the Yield doesn’t make my ears bleed or anything.