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Madagascar! Just like the movie! Only with less David Schwimmer!

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recap
TV Squad review
TV Guide review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

Previously on The Amazing Race: Mauritius was purdy, and alliances were dumb.

Currently on The Amazing Race: Jaunty island music brings us to the Chateau Bel Ombre, where Dustin and Kandice are ripping their clue at 3:00am. And since they’re the first team to leave, they get their pick of which car to drive away in. And since there are five non-smashed cars parked right next to their own little green car, still with the dented fender from last week, they choose non-smashed. So do all of the other teams, and it’s the Cho Brothers that end up with Little Green. Even though it was Lyn and Karlyn’s car that the Beauty Queens stole (think they did that on purpose?)

Teams are now headed to Madagascar, which is just a quick hop across the ocean. And although there is much talk of the movie Madagascar, and the lush unspoiled forests, and all the cute and cuddly animals they are sure to meet once they get there, it actually turns out that the capital city, Antananarivo, is just as dirty and crowded as any city they’ve been to in India. So much for being true-to-life, Dreamworks. Next you’re going to tell me that Chris Rock is really white with black stripes, and not black with white stripes.

And of course one of the overriding themes of The Amazing Race has always been how Americans deal with third-world poverty in a sensitive and thoughtful manner. And so it’s in that vein that the editors bring us this exchange between Rob and Kimberly, as they’re riding around in their taxi.

Kim: Breathing in exhaust is really bad for you, right?
Rob: Yeah.
Kim: So how do these people, like…
Rob: Babe, they die a lot younger than we do. That’s what happens. Most of ‘em don’t get enough protein, so their brains don’t develop as much. Brain needs protein.

Rob delivers this last line with all the gravity of Confucius. Like he’s going to write it down on a fortune cookie later. You guys, I’ve got to go lay down. You might have to finish this show without me.

So while the underdeveloped brains of the Madagascarians are slowly melting away, the teams are on their way to the Black Angel in the middle of the lake. The Six Pack alliance actually gets there first, but their cabs just drive right by it. Yes, all three of their cabs miss it and keep going. That is just a tremendous amount of bad luck, or a tremendous amount of solidarity by three cab drivers who want to bump up their fares. And so, since the Six Pack has driven on past, it’s actually Tyler and James that get to the statue first and discover the “Intersection”.

The “Intersection” is a new “twist” where two teams have to join together and finish the Detour (or Fast Forward) together. Rob and Kim get there right behind Tyler and James, so the four of them decide to team up and go for the Fast Forward. They set off just as the Beauty Queens arrive. But since the Beauty Queens have no one there to team up with yet, they have to sit around and wait for the Six Pack to get done with their scenic tour of Antananarivo. So in this way the Intersection turns into a Yield too.

Finally the Six Pack shows up and gets their clues. The Beauty Queens grab the Chos and drag them off as their partners, because really, they’re the most desirable team left. That leaves Kentucky and Alabama standing around, still trying to decide what to do. Mary seems awfully excited about the Fast Forward, especially for someone who’s already used it once and can’t use it again. The editors keep throwing in these clips of Mary saying, “Fast Forward?” like some Tourettes patient, until finally Lyn convinces her that the other teams already went for it, so if they go for it too and find out it’s already gone, they’re double screwed. So finally Mary accepts that she’s got to do the Detour. Which she has to do anyway, because unless they’ve changed the rules for the first time in ten seasons, you can’t get the Fast Forward twice!

Of course, Mary doesn’t know how lucky she is that she can’t do the Fast Forward, because said task turns out to be the Gross Eating Challenge for the leg. To get the Fast Forward you have to eat a plate of cow lips. And these aren’t high quality cow lips. They’re covered in fat, hair, and teeth. The lips still have teeth sticking out of them! If this is the kind of protein Madagascarians are getting, I can see why their brains don’t develop. So basically it’s nasty, and it takes Rob and Kim and Tyler and James what seems like hours to eat one plate each.

The other teams decide to do the Detour known as Long Sleep, where you have to find a mattress market, put slipcovers on eight foam mattresses, and then carry the mattresses on foot through the confusing streets to a certain address. The Chos and the Beauty Queens get there first, and start working. They’re actually pretty efficient working together, although this would have been a good chance for the Cho brothers to try to slow down Dustin and Kandice, and give Mary and Dave a better chance of not coming in last. They don’t do this, though, and they finish the mattress task well before the other teams.

A quick peek at the Fast Forward teams shows they’re taking their sweet time. After all, they’re getting the Fast Forward. There’s no way anyone could beat them to the mat, right?

After the Detour, the “Intersection” is over, and teams are on their own again. And then it’s Roadblock time. The Roadblock this week is another “chaotic marketplace” task, where you’ve got to scurry up and down stairs looking for rubber stamp vendors. Not very exciting, even though Phil tries to make some kind of joke about the government of Madagascar rubber stamping everything. Biting political commentary in the streets of Antananarivo, I’m sure.

More gloating from the Fast Forward teams. You better stop it, guys. You have no idea what Race karma is like.

And in fact, here’s Dustin finishing the Roadblock. And getting in a taxi. And running out of gas. Oops!

Finally the cow lips have been eaten, and the gloaters are on their way.

And here’s Godwin finishing the Roadblock. And getting in a taxi. And running out of gas. Oops!

It turns out that Race karma is alive and well, because Dustin reaches the Pit Stop and the Beauty Queens are able to check in first. Ahead of all four people who were so sure that nobody could beat them. Getting the Fast Forward doesn’t mean you’re coming in first, folks. Just ask Team Guido.

Tyler and James get there next, followed by Rob and Kim, then Erwin and Godwin. Who actually does a belly flop right onto the mat in front of Phil and everybody. A belly flop. Are you kidding me? The music stops, Phil looks around awkwardly, and nobody is laughing. “Am I safe?” Godwin asks. Still, nobody laughs. You’re 0 for 3 on the pranks, Chos. Quit it.

So now we’re only left with Mary and Dave and Lyn and Karlyn, racing to get their rubber stamps. And Mary and Dave actually finish first, but since they’re marked for elimination they have to wait half an hour. And the editors try to make it suspenseful, they really do. Lyn even runs out of gas in the taxi. Oops! (What is this, some kind of scam they pull on Americans?) But we know how close the two teams are, so nobody’s surprised when Lyn and Karlyn come around the corner and check in fifth place.

So Mary and David step up to the mat, and since Bert and Elise have run out of ways to keep them safe this is not a non-elimination leg, they’re done with the Race. Most teams get a ten-second goodbye after they’re eliminated, but for Mary and Dave they stretch it out to something like two minutes. Mary starts talking about how much this race changed her, and she says, “I don’t want my kids to be like me.” To say something like that you’ve either had to have gone through a period of pretty intense self-loathing, or taken a really deep look at yourself, the kind of look that most people don’t bother doing. I think Mary has taken this look, and seen that being a couch potato in Kentucky isn’t exactly the most aspirational goal you can set for yourself. And I’m sure that if she ever let Dave get a word in, he would have said something similar about his kids not growing up to be coal miners. Because, seriously.

Next week: video from home. Sponsored by AOL. And the producers decide to cut down on their airfare bill by burying teams up to their necks in mud and leaving them to fend for themselves. Is this part of the new “Dead End” twist?