On The Air

“London? What country is that? India?”

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recap
TV Squad review
TV Guide review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

Previously on The Amazing Race: Peter and Sarah were as lost in the race as they were in their relationship, and ended up losing at both.

Currently on The Amazing Race: As teams rip their clue at the mat, they’re told to fly to Mauritius. Which few of them know how to pronounce and and fewer know how to find on a map. Amazingly it’s Mary who comes closest to the right pronunciation, but that’s canceled out by Dave looking for the “booketing” department at the airport. Oh well. We also find out they they’ve renamed their alliance to the “Six Pack”. Which, it’s bad enough to have an alliance in this game, because you can’t really team up to get anyone else out like you can on Survivor and Big Brother. Just think back to Season 3 when everyone was on a “twin hunt”, and the twins ended up outlasting all of them. There is some sharing of information in an alliance, but that’s always balanced out by having to wait for people to catch up, as we’ll see later in this episode. Repeatedly. So it’s bad enough to have an alliance, but it’s even worse to name your alliance. And then to re-name it, because you didn’t like the first name? I think you should rededicate some of those brain cycles to the race, folks. You’ll have plenty of time to get chummy in Sequesterville.

Once they get to the airport, everyone finds out that there is only one flight to Mauritius. And that flight connects through London, England, so they kind of have to fly halfway around the world and halfway back again. The Beauty Queens, who by this time at least have found Mauritius on the map, think that’s “weird”. And they end up arguing with the ticket agent about it. They actually pull out their map and show the guy how obviously wrong he is, because there must be hundreds of direct flights from Kuwait to Mauritius every day, and they waste no time letting the guy know he’s an idiot. I can’t imagine that’s too helpful. That’s a good way to end up with a 14-hour layover in Peru.

The other teams are a little more understanding about the concept of “airline hubs” and “fastest connection”. Everyone’s a little shocked to see the route, but there is no more whipping out of maps, and I’m sure the airline agents are grateful for that. What the agents aren’t grateful for is the shouting match that erupts when the Beauty Queens let Tyler and James cut in line in front of Lyn and Karlyn. That move seems to be motivated not so much by a desire to help Tyler and James as a need to piss off Lyn and Karlyn, which is pretty well deserved after they tried to hog the locals for themselves last week. It all descends to a point where Karlyn gets into full-on “talk to the hand” mode, and I’m sure her kids are going to be so proud to see that. And one poor ticketing guy is caught in the middle of all of this, and he doesn’t look too happy about it. It’s tickets to Peru for everybody!

And then, through the magic of television, the 24-hour flight is over in the matter of a few seconds, and all of a sudden we’re in Mauritius. Teams are given nothing more than a rental car and a model boat, which leads them to a real boat that’s anchored in the middle of the bay. And which they have to swim to. Yes, there are no water taxis or paddle boats this time around. You’ve got to hop in the water and swim your own ass over to the boat. Which seems a little more Ironman than we’re used to from the Amazing Race, but I guess they were expecting Peter and Sarah to still be around for this leg. The swimming does reveal another nugget from Dave’s past, though; apparently his aquaphobia stems from being tossed into the lake when he was a child. And it’s not just him, this is a common rite of passage. This is what they do in Stone, Kentucky, to ensure everyone grows up with a life-long fear of water, I guess. This place gets weirder and weirder the more I learn about it.

It’s no surprise that the young buff teams have little trouble with the swimming, and the older out-of-shape teams have a hard time. What is a surprise, though, is that Erwin and Godwin, who are one of the first teams to get back to shore, cool it in their car and wait for the rest of the “Six Pack” to catch up. So they’re not only teaming up with people who are worse racers than them, and sticking with an alliance on a show where alliances are pointless, they’re now deliberately letting said alliance drag them down. Awesome idea, guys. I guess you were serious when you said you didn’t care about winning.

Also being dragged down, though not on purpose, are Tyler and James, who will be playing the part of Lost and Confused in this week’s episode. They get lost driving to the boat, then they get lost driving away from the boat, and then they get lost on the way to the post office. “We didn’t really go the wrong way, we just missed our turn,” one of them says at one point. “Which means we went the wrong way,” the other replies. I’m assuming the editors cut out the word “Dumbass” at the end of that sentence.

At least getting lost is their only problem, unlike the other teams at the front of the pack. Rob and Kimberly have car problems so bad that they cause a traffic jam in a small town, and have to get a replacement car brought in. But Dustin and Kandice get the prize when they crash into a bus that they’re following. That sound you hear is Jerry Bruckheimer slapping his forehead as his insurance rates just went up. And the cameraman actually seems to be hanging on the outside of the car when this happens. You think these guys would have learned how dangerous the contestants can be after the Brian and Greg incident in Africa, but they just keep leaning out of windows. Take a clue from Disneyland, boys. Hands and arms inside the car. Inside.

The Beauty Queens have to fill out a police report, which slows them down, but they don’t get a replacement car. They just spend the rest of the leg tooling around in their smashed-up rental, and they end up getting to the Detour first anyway. Just how far behind was everybody else?

The Detour is a choice between searching an island for a boat sail, and sifting through a pile of salt for their clue. Now here’s the first rule of The Amazing Race, the most important one to remember: never pick the needle-in-a-haystack task. Never. Sometimes the producers make it a Roadblock, and there’s no way to get around it. But if you’re given the choice of digging through a pile of [anything], looking for [anything] inside of it, don’t do it. Just don’t. Unfortunately none of these teams asked me for advice before they went on the race, so five out of six of them choose the salt. And, guess what? Surprise surprise, they all get frustrated after getting halfway through the pile, and switch tasks. Not a big shock there.

The Beauty Queens are the only ones to go straight to the island without dicking around with the salt first, so they finish quickly and arrive at the mat in first place. They win a pair of motor scooters, and Dustin asks Phil if he wants to go for a ride sometime. He does not seem thrilled at the idea. Either that or his brain short circuits while remembering that he is being filmed, and his wife will be watching.

Everyone else bails on the salt one-by-one, and goes to the island instead. And, of course, once they get there they promptly get lost. It looks like a pretty big island, but it’s flat, and they’re given a map that shows exactly where the sails are. So it’s kind of puzzling that a lot of the teams end up on the exact opposite side of the island from where they’re supposed to be. But no matter. They all get to the sails eventually, and after falling into a pit the producers dug for them (unfortunately there were no sharp sticks at the bottom, because that would have made for some compelling television), they get the clue directing them to go to the pit stop. There’s a lot of scrambling on the way to the mat, and the “Six Pack” alliance works together to find their way there. You won’t be surprised to hear that they end up in last place for their efforts. So how’s that whole “being in an alliance will make us stronger” thing working out for you?

Now, nobody in the “Six Pack” is actually stupid and self-destructive enough to stand aside and let someone else beat them to the mat, so we’re treated to an actual race to the finish, with the Cho brothers barely edging out Lyn and Karlyn. And that leaves us with who in last place? That’s right, Mary and Dave again. As the sad tinkly music plays, the couple strolls up to the mat, and Dave flirts with the greeter a little. Phil lets them know the bad news that they’ve come in last, but then cements their status as the luckiest sons of bitches in the history of the Race as he informs them that this is a non-elimination leg. Again.

This pisses me off because now I have to hear all week about how the game is fixed. Jesus.

So we’ve got the pinata of Mary and Dave to beat up on for another week, and once again they’re marked for elimination. They’ve already used up their Fast Forward, so they’re dead for sure this time. Their luck has to dry up sometime, right?

Next week: The producers dip once more into the rusty bag of driving metaphors to bring us a new twist called the “Intersection.” What is it? Oh, I bet we’re all aching to find out.