On The Air

Teams travel to Ha Long Bay, Vietnam, and learn that rowing boats is the hardest thing of all. Plus Sarah has to decide which foot to stick up Peter’s ass: the soft one, or the metal one.

Episode links:
Miss Alli’s recap
TV Squad review
TV Guide review
Download the episode with BitTorrent

Previously on The Amazing Race: Bertram Van Munster and company decided to cast the most diverse group of contestants the Race had ever seen. This melting pot included a pair of Indian-Americans (ethnic diversity), a pair of Muslims (religious diversity), the show’s first out lesbian (sexual diversity), and a pair of cheerleaders who could talk to doorknobs (intellectual diversity). But then the producers had to sit back and watch as, one by one, these carefully cast diverse teams were all eliminated in the first three legs. Wow. I guess you can’t win ‘em all.

Currently on Reality Fan Forum: A new recapper has taken over coverage of The Amazing Race. My name is Scott, and I’ll try to keep things fun.

And currently on the show itself, we find ourselves starting out in the same rice paddy where last week’s show ended. It’s the middle of the night, however, and I really hope they put down some planks or something, because these people were barely able to walk across the field in broad daylight last week without falling into the water. I don’t think we want to start the show with a Search and Rescue team.

But we are going to start with a medical situation of another kind, though, as we find out that Rob succumbed to heat exhaustion at the end of the last leg and needed medical attention. Said medical attention only seems to involve dousing him repeatedly with ice water, though, so it’s not much different than what they do in cartoons to get rid of a hangover. We also find out that Mary’s ankle is really hurting after she twisted it last week. What? You didn’t know Mary had twisted her ankle? Dont worry; YOU WILL BE REMINDED.

As teams rip open their clue envelopes, they discover that they’ve been given upwards of $500,000 for this leg of the race. Wow! Are we at the finish line already? Oh wait, that’s not American money. They’ve actually been given 588,000 Vietnamese dong, and as we found out last week, one dong is roughly worth one square of toilet paper. Single-ply. Which means the teams have really been given about 36 bucks. Way to get everyone’s hopes up, fellas. And this is really weird, because I don’t think we’ve ever seen them give the racers local currency before. When they get their cash at the starting line, it’s always been in American dollars. But now not only are they getting local money, they’re also not getting it in the envelope. They actually have to walk over to a table somewhere where this old man hands them the money. And on top of that, he makes them count it. God, I hopes it’s not in singles.

Also, let me applaud the teams here for being able to keep their composure while saying “Vietnamese Dong” out loud. I would have been giggling like a schoolgirl. Especially if the clue said to “go to this old man and pick up his dong.”

Anyway, after they collect their dong (hee hee), they’re off in taxicabs back to Hanoi to find the Ly Thai To Garden and listen for their next clue? Listen? Oh yes. Instead of being given a handy piece of paper with all their instructions written down on it, the directions are barked over a Cold War-era loudspeaker in the middle of the park. And it’s being drowned out by crickets. This makes me so happy, because it’s almost like a real clue. I mean, it’s nothing like “Find the Smoke That Thunders” from the first season, but for so many years now the “clues” on the Amazing Race have been pieces of paper that say little more than “go here”. This clue actually requires that they pay attention, listen, and write everything down themselves. Or that they make the mental leap to go and grab their cab driver and have him listen to it, which was probably the smartest way to do it. Because really, how many of you would be able to tell the difference between “Ben Xe Gia Lam” and “Ben Xe Bai Chay”? I personally would probably end up in Timbuktu.

There’s the requisite amount of taxi trouble here, with the *win brothers falling behind because their driver didn’t know where he was going, and Rob and Kimberly driving around and around in circles in three different cabs. But it’s all meaningless because the bus they’re taking doesn’t leave until 5:00am, and they all make it in plenty of time. At least the bunching happened at the beginning of the leg this time.

At the other end of the bus ride is the absolutely gorgeous Ha Long Bay. I’m telling you, if I’m ever going to ditch all my possessions and move onto a houseboat, I’d park it someplace like this. Just have a look through Phil’s photos for this leg and tell me if you agree. But the teams don’t get a lot of time to admire the scenery, because they’ve got to hop on a boat and get out on the water. Mary takes a moment here to let us know that her ankle is hurting, and the beauty queens take a moment to slice open a vein and drip some ceremonial blood onto the boat.

The first clue they pull is a Roadblock, and as we all know, “A Roadblock is a task that only one team member may perform.” This Roadblock involves the dreaded ascenders, the way-too-complicated device for pulling yourself straight up a rope that proved to be the undoing of the Bowling Moms way back in Season 5. Now this is an intensly physical thing to ask anyone to do, along with the climbing of the Great Wall back in the first episode, and I’m surprised that they’re throwing so many strongman tasks at the teams so early in the Race. And after what happened at the Great Wall, it’s natural to assume that Peter is going to let Sarah and her leaking leg take a rest and he’ll do this one himself, right? Oh, you can think that, but you’d be wrong. You’d be so wrong. In fact, Sarah jumps at the chance to do the climbing, because she has “upper-body strength”. And I know that the teams have no idea exactly what the tasks are going to be until after they’ve chosen who is going to do it, but the clue they were given mentioned strong arms *and* strong legs. Sarah’s proud of her strong arms, to be sure, and I’m positive she’d whoop the floor with me at arm wrestling. But she only has at most one really strong leg, and the other one is running about half a quart low right now. So why would she think that upper-body strength alone would be enough to get her through this? Unless Peter was gently nudging her to take it, considering he had to do the last Roadblock and all. You know, selling those flowers was so strenuous; he’s probably still winded. And indeed, as soon as Sarah sees what the climbing involves, she starts having doubts about picking it. Which: right idea, but a little late.

Now, let me take a minute here to go off track and ask what the hell is up with Peter and Sarah’s relationship. Their little relationship tag in the lower third of the screen says that they’re “recently dating”. But of this, I have seen no evidence. Aside from the pre-race interview where Sarah said she had a long time crush on Peter, and that it’s attractive that he can take care of her (which–to get even futher off topic–isn’t that just the most anti-feminist statement ever? I think a fairy lost its wings when she said that). But beyond that, what proof do we have that they’re dating? Maybe I haven’t been paying attention, but I don’t think I’ve seen them kiss once on this race. Or hug. Or get closer than two feet, except when they’re squeezed into the back of a taxi. And Peter really seems to have no feelings for her, aside from the rush he seems to get from “coaching” her. I mean, you could have told me they were brother and sister, and that would have been more believable. Or that they had just met on the street the day before, and I would have bought it. I know you’re supposed to have a pre-existing relationship going into this race, but I think that relationship needs to be a little bit deeper than “he sold me my leg.”

So speaking of Peter’s coaching technique, we see it in full form here when Sarah is trying to climb the rope. She’s clearly struggling, clearly stressed out, and clearly hating herself for thinking that a clue that mentioned the word “legs” wouldn’t require any lower-body strength. And Peter somehow has managed to kick back in his little boat, like it’s a Barco lounger, and he’s down there having a Coke and watching Sarah like she’s a football game. His “encouragement” consists of shouting things like “Keep it going, sister” and “Pull the rope” up at her, and Sarah obviously wants him to shut up. She even tells him so, but Peter’s not tuned into that particular frequency. And here’s another facet to their “relationship”. They’re training partners. He’s trained her for Ironman competitions and triathalons, and he obviously relishes the role of coach. He loves giving her encouragement so much that he’s blind to the times when she just wants him to stuff a sock in it. Which I’m betting is more often than not.

Also, if you look at Peter and Sarah’s MySpace profiles, they both say they’re single. Chew on that.

So anyway, what’s that you said? There are seven other teams in this race? Gotcha. You’ll be happy to know that Karlyn leaves her shirt on while she’s climbing the rope, considering how she decided to do the coal-packing last week in nothing but a bra. She also thinks that her daughter’s going to be really proud of her for finishing the climb. Which is a great sentiment, but you can’t define your whole life by your kids. How about you start with being proud of yourself, and go from there?

After the rope climb teams get back on their boats and head over to this really awesome seaside cave. And this isn’t just a hole in the side of a rock, this is a real cave, with stalactites and stalagmites and everything. We even get to see Phil taking a stroll through the cave, which, seriously: best job on TV? Phil Keoghan. Throw on some khakis and go around the world ten times. I’m in. Rob and Kimberly get to the cave first, and despite Rob nearly giving himself a concussion on an outcropping, they manage to find the clue and leave still in first place.

That clue points the teams to this week’s Detour. I guess after ten seasons Phil figures we know the drill, so he fails to point out that a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. He does point out, though, that the detour this week is Over or Under. In Over you have to play delivery boy, dropping off bananas at the various houseboats around the bay. In Under you have to find and pull up 30 oyster baskets. What the teams don’t know is that the tasks as described are pretty simple, it’s learning how to row the sampan boats that’s the big challenge here. And apparently none of this group has taken rowing classes lately, because they’re all pretty equally horrible at it.

By the way, did you know Mary’s ankle is hurting?

Rob and Kimberly are the first to get in the sampans, and demonstrate that they know exactly nothing about rowing. First of all, they each grab an oar, which is a good way to go in circles. Then they can’t coordinate their strokes to save their life, and then the yelling starts. And you know that once the yelling starts, nothing good can follow. The rest of the task is spent with them getting in each other’s way, screaming at each other and almost tipping the boat over. And I would have paid dearly to see both of them go in the drink. That would have been worth a couple thousand dong, at least.

Tom and Terry, meanwhile, are showing off their ability to row around in a circle. And David and Mary at least got the memo that only one person should be rowing, but God bless ‘em, I don’t think they’ve ever been on a boat before, much less at the helm. They’ve also got a fear of drowning, which when this is the first time you’ve been near water that’s more than ankle deep, I think is a natural reaction.

I’ve gotta say, for all the talk of racial and ethnic diversity in this season, the most courageous casting move by far was putting David and Mary into the race. Because all of the other teams, although their skin color may be different, are culturally pretty similar to each other. They’re Americans, they’ve all been in big cities, they’ve all travelled at least around the US, if not to other countries. But David and Mary are going through this race with the wide-eyed wonder that comes from never having left your small town, and then realizing that there really is a whole big world out there. The thing about them is that they’re not jaded, they’re not cynical, they haven’t seen it all before. They’ve honestly never met Asians, or gay men, and they’re thrilled to be doing so. I fully believe you could drive these two down to the local mall, and they’d have the exact same reaction they’re having on this race. “I never saw a whole store that sold nothing but shoes before! I like it!” And while it’s easy to make fun of them for being yokels (my wife says their goofy grins are the epitome of the saying, “Ignorance is bliss”), I think their story is probably the best one of the bunch. You got the guy that spends twelve hours a day underground (did you like their “Friends in Low Places” t-shirts?), and the couch potato housewife who watches reality TV, and suddenly here they are rowing a boat in the middle of a bay in Vietnam. That’s certainly more compelling than two people who have already travelled the world doing it again just looking to make some cash.

Once everyone realized how tricky the boats were going to be, they headed to the oyster farm, where they would need to do less rowing and more rope-untying. In fact almost all of the teams started snipping at each other while trying to row the boats, with the *win brothers blaming each other, and Mary (whose ankle really hurts, you know) being a backseat driver to David. It doesn’t stop him from rowing into a cliff, though. But the most hilarious thing had to be when Peter was rowing the boat, and Sarah was sitting right across from him, “encouraging” him. “Tell me any way I can be helpful.” “You’re doing awesome.” “You’re rowing fine.” And the whole time Peter is coming unwound and telling her to be quiet, but this time she’s the one not getting the frequency. She just keeps coaching him in this infuriatingly calm voice. She’s clearly doing it just to piss him off, and it’s excellent. Dishing it and taking it are supposed to go together, but when they don’t it makes great TV. “My feelings for Peter have changed,” she says later. You think?

Out of all the teams, Lyn and Karlyn are the only ones to go deliver bananas. And they seem to be pretty jazzed about the idea of living on a houseboat, although it’s mostly the idea of other people living on houseboats that has them excited.

Meanwhile Peter’s coming unhinged, completely losing his shit and almost sinking his boat. He even shoves Tom and Terry away when their boat gets too close, earning a completely pissy, but completely deserved, “Don’t yell,” from one of the boys.

At the end of the leg, it’s clear that this whole day has taken its toll on everyone’s nerves. Rob and Kimberly end up at the Pit Stop first, and Phil asks them if they’re being nice to each other. Heh. Like he couldn’t hear their yelling all the way across the water. Rob diplomatically says he “needs to learn to chill,” which I’d say is just the first step. Also Peter needs to be his study buddy in that particular class. The other teams slowly finish their tasks and trickle into the Pit Stop, leaving only the beauty queens and the little gay hobbits out on the water.

Although Dustin and Kandice do a tremendous job of getting lost and rowing up to deserted beaches, and the editors try to make us think it’s a close finish, it turns out to be the end of the line for Tom and Terry. They are seriously so bad at rowing that Tom ends up just hopping out of the boat and pulling it to where it’s supposed to be. Once he gets there he collapses from exhaustion. No kidding. I would have passed out after pulling the boat five feet. But they finally make it to the Pit Stop, although from the setting sun it looks like it’s hours after the other teams have checked in. And since it’s too early in the race to have a non-elimination leg, they are sent to Sequesterville. Terry’s pretty proud of his little boat-pulling pal, though, so I guess if you’re going to go out, at least go out like Superman.

I’ve gotta say, The Amazing Race has had problems for the last few season, but they’re inching their way towards fixing them. There have been too many poorly planned legs, and excessive amounts of bunching, and tasks that come down to little more than luck, but all that is going away. We’re getting back the old race, the good race, and I’m glad to see it. It’s about time, and I can only hope for this season to get even better.

Next week: India! Curry! Poverty! Fun times!